Ladies and Gentlemen, I implore you: I am NOT a monster! I am nothing of the sort!
On Tuesday, Gawker published this post about me. Now, I didn't get to read it that day for a number of reasons:
- My Wi-Fi was out. (Thanks a lot, Time Warner.)
- My deformed hand-claws are too clumsy to operate an iPhone.
- I don't read Gawker -- most of the time I find it masturbatory and insular.
So yesterday, my buddy Karl calls me up, and he's like, "Bro, have you seen this?" and I'm like, "Seen what?" So I emerge from my pitch-dark underwater lair, hobble on my four hoof-legs of different lengths across the beach to the Montauk Public Library, leaving a trail of plasmic discharge from my twelve anuses. As soon as I log in at one of their terminals it's "Montauk Monster" this and "Montauk Monster" that.
Listen folks, I know what I look like. I've always looked like this. So I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to this kind of stuff. But this really hurts, guys.
I'm not a monster. My name is Jesse. I grew up in Great Neck. I went to Stony Brook. And I am no more or less a monster than anyone else who grew up on Long Island. So I'd thank you to be a little more sensitive next time.







Howie Mandel:
I am not the Montauk Monster either!
8/1/2008 1:46 PMParis Hilton:
Montauk Monster, you are SO hot!
8/1/2008 2:26 PMMontauk Monster:
Let's fuck.
8/1/2008 2:44 PMAlex Rodriguez:
I slept with you.
8/1/2008 8:24 PMGod:
Ohh, so that's where he ended up. What will I come up with next?
8/2/2008 7:24 AMMichael Jackson:
I molested the Montauk Monster
8/4/2008 12:36 PMMahmoud Ahmadinejad:
Montauk Monster? We don't have this problem in my country.
8/4/2008 2:08 PMAnonymous:
If anyone knows how I can get in touch with Monty please let me know, I saw him on the subway and was in complete awe of his beauty. He is now and forever will be my soulmate!!!!
8/4/2008 3:51 PMChristopher Walken:
THERE'S my Fluffykins! I've been looking all over for you! Bad kitty, running away like that!
8/5/2008 8:25 PMAl Sharpton:
The truth has been revealed about the Montauk-Monster: Scandal created by Splinterheads movie! Read the full story @ www.Montauk-Monster.com
Enjoy.
8/6/2008 1:12 AMBill O'Reilly:
Montauk monster, you're an unamerican traitor and you should be ashamed of yourself.
8/15/2008 6:49 PM