It is with great, great regret that I am unable to accept this offer that you will no doubt be making to me any day now, Barack Obama. How do I know this offer is forthright? My qualification speak for themselves:

T read that Obama is looking for someone with foreign policy heft, and T has extensive experience fighting the red threat in his action movies, television shows and public service announcements of the 80s. Another time T broadened his international horizons by taking a trip to Scandinavia cause he wanted to see those silly people walk around in those funny wooden shoes. (Going to the market sounded like a tap recital.)

Security wherewithal? Ha! T laughs at the thought of having to explain how his fool-dropping, sucka-slapping, blockhead-busting moves would strengthen homeland security.

But as T foreshadowed in the title and opening sentence, T must decline this must generous offer. You see, T is above partisan politics.

T believes that this divisiveness is destroying the social fabric of this great country. And while Barack is promising a new kind of politics, T is not like the puppy whose master pretends to throw a ball then goes chasing after it like a damned fool.

Another reason T must decline is he planned a 3 week vacation to Peru in February of next year and didn't purchase trip insurance. And any fool knows it's a faux pas to ask for a vacation during your first month on the job.