I’m furious at these Politico fools for thinkin’ that everyone in America slept through the Senate’s 10-second session over the holiday weekend. I was awake. I was awake as hell. I had to wake up on Friday at 5:30 in the morning, because I needed to walk my ugly Sumatran Tiger before Mr. T’s Annual Pajama Congress got underway. My tiger gets all shifty when he isn’t walked. The fool nearly tore up my silk drapes last year.

Every year, my closest friends put on their finest pajamas and their toastiest socks and we gather in the darkest sub-basement of my compound. At 6:00 am, I light a candle and unveil a new stomping or crushing move for the new year. Then I extinguish the candle with a powerful wind-clap. My friends and I spend 6 hours in the dark, discussing and debating what to name my new fighting move, and then we spend 6 more hours nominating and selecting next year’s fiercest sucka’. Then we bake cookies.

I’ve decided to buy myself a pet for Christmas. I need an animal that can recognize a sucka’ and take a sucka’ down and also provide some companionship.

My crew suggested I get an internet pigeon, an anti-paparazzi tiger, or a monkey sex alarm clock. But, I’m not positive those are pets I can nuzzle up to after a long day of stompin’ on suckas and punching reinforced concrete walls.

You know what a sucka’ is? A sucka’ is a fool who don’t vote Mr. Splashy Pants in as the name of Greenpeace’s new whale mascot. A sucka’ if a fool who ain’t go no sense. If you was even thinking of voting for that whale to be named Bumi, Cian, Echo, Moya, Nurani, Shanti or some other one-dimensional uninspired rubbish, then you are a damn hippy sucka’.

Hippy, you best stick to naming your bongs and your hackysacks, and stay away from that whale!!! Do you know how many hippy suckas T can drop with one punch? That depends on the directional jet streams fool, but no fewer than eleventy. Leave the naming of that glorious beast to the rest of us more sensible folk.

All this couples-therapy jibber-jabba runnin’ on t.v. is makin’ T think that maybe all my fool-pitying has really just been a needless defense mechanism stemming from my inner self-doubts. Like yestaday fo’ instance; I went to Starbucks to sit, enjoy a chapter of S is for Silence, and spend some T-time over a warm skim latte. T can’t be messin’ with no whole milk; gotta watch the weight. I know I made myself clear when I ordered. But those punks musta been jazzin’ around ‘fo’ they steamed my milk. Those suckas made me so mad, I was pitying all the fools I could see … I felt out of control. Later that night,

Read the rest of this post »

Photo by Nakae via Flickr.

Alright, so I read the Southeast be in the middle of a heat wave, and I just think it’s wrong. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be hot, Lord knows every time I need to lay it on some chump the T brings the heat. Ain’t nobody can bring the heat like the T. But see, I think there’s something fishy going on in the Southeast.

According to the article, Atlanta, Athens, Raleigh, Charlotte and Greenville broke record temperatures. And that ain’t nothing! In Columbia, South Carolina they broke a record that was more than 50-years-old with a 104 degree day. Now are you catching what the common theme is here? RECORDS. Now you tell me if it ain’t fishy that all of a sudden all these towns be breaking records all at the same time?

You’re probably asking now “What are you trying to say, Mr. T?” Damn you fools is dumb! What I’m saying is these towns be JUICING.

So here we go again, weather be actin’ up. Saw in the news that Cyclone Gonu hit Iran. Now, they say the cyclone caused flooding in the deserts of southern Iran, which sounds like a good thing, right?

 

Saw in the news that some chump tornado decided to stomp over Kansas. Tell you what, ain’t no chump tornado ever stomping over my house. You ever wonder why tornados always stomp over Kansas, and Oklahoma, and all them square lookin’ states?