The defense has rested in the case of R. Kelly, a man best known for ("allegedly") urinating on 14-year-olds. The case is centered around R. Kelly's SEX TAPE WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL. 

R. Kelly is claiming he does not appear in the tape -- that it was a FAKE to extort money from him. Worst of all, the VICTIM -- a washed-up singer-friend of Kelly's who goes by the stage name SPARKLE -- claims she is not in the tape. Fans of justice, I know this sounds distressing, but a victim denying victimhood does NOT mean a case is lost. I once convinced the jury that a man shot his wife in the head, raped the wound and dumped the body in a sewer drain while she sat in the back of the courtroom, clearing her throat and saying "excuse me." (Why? BECAUSE I COULD, THAT'S WHY.) Luckily, Sparkle's friend has bravely stepped forward to testify about all their threesomes so this creep can be LOCKED AWAY.

Much of the trial has centered around witnesses' speculation about who is in that tape. Birthmarks, breast sizes and LARGE FOREHEADS have all come into play. I am confident that "SPARKLE" is not just a hussy but a liar as well. It all goes back to a lesson I learned when I was a girl growing up in Georgia: never trust a girl called Sparkle. There was a girl named Sparkle who lived at the end of my block who was a seven-year-old beauty queen. She would always prance around with her crown on, sashaying her little hips on her imaginary runway.

Being the amateur detective I was, I connected this showy behavior to a guarded personality. She MUST be hiding something, I realized. So one day I acted on my suspicions, jumped her behind her house and beat her savagely with my glitter baton. And WHAT did I find on her person? A GLITTER BATON! The perfect weapon in case she wanted to, say, jump me behind her house and beat me savagely on a hunch.

She stopped joining pagaents after that, because I had knocked her teeth out, mostly. The point being, never turn your back on a Sparkle. They're liable to beat you with the exact same weapon you're in the act of beating her with.