Tim Masters — a man who has been in prison since 1999 — had his conviction for the murder and sexual mutilation of a 37 year-old woman THROWN OUT today, because there was no physical evidence to tie him to the crime and the prosecutor’s case was built on “crackpot” psychological “theories” like a series of violent doodles he made at the age of 15. And as if that wasn’t ENOUGH of a travesty for one day, scientists are BAFFLED by the mysterious deaths of Indian reptiles called gharials, which are RARE and RESEMBLE CROCODILES.

Now, most observers would let these two stories escape their notice without making any connections. BUT I AM NOT MOST OBSERVERS. I did a little investigating and came up with this SHOCKING doodle made by Masters on the legal pad provided to him yesterday at his court hearing.

BBC

A shocking BBC documentary has uncovered a Czech child-care center in which children are kept in beds that resemble cages. Bars go around the mattress so that the children CANNOT GET OUT. This is barbaric, this is disgusting and it is exactly what our nation’s failing prison system needs.

Don’t get me wrong — locking children in these cage-beds (or is it bed-cages?) is DISGUSTING. The Czechs are wasting these cages on children who haven’t done anything wrong (YET) when they should be importing the cages to the United States so we can use them on people who are arrested for minor drug offenses. Don’t worry, I have much worse things cooked up for the sex offenders. (Two words: Stab machine.)

An Indianapolis Sheriff’s deputy was fired, and two others disciplined for so-called GROSS NEGLIGENCE. They are being held responsible for accidentally leaving an inmate in a holding cell without supervision for TWO DAYS. The inmate complains that he was supposed to be sent back to jail, but was instead left without food and blankets until prison officials found him on Sunday morning.

Now, friends, if you’re like me, this story of NEGLECT and INCOMPETENCE left you asking one question: who is giving these people food in jail? I’ll be honest; I’m so busy making sure anyone who looks COCKEYED at a woman or child rots in prison for the rest of their life that I’ve never actually been inside one of these places. But when I came across this story, I did a little research.

Notice “no raping” is not among the household’s rules (New York Magazine)

One town on Long Island is home to 45 sex offenders — 7 of whom live in the same house. It sounds like the perfect situation, except for one thing — they are allowed to go outside.

That’s right, friends. This is not a prison. It’s just a low-cost neighborhood where sex offenders have been congregating, hoping to get a second chance. Second chance? As far as I’m concerned, these men gave up their second chance the first time they committed a crime! What’s the point of second chances if they aren’t reserved for good, law-abiding citizens who wouldn’t commit a crime in the first place?

A desperate junkie on the prowl for drug money, breaks into a suburban home and steals from a two-year-old’s piggy bank. And he would have gone free had he not cut himself, allowing his blood to be collected and tested. Another victory for DNA and another victory for SHARP THINGS.

Wall above John David’s bed. (Flickr)

I’ll be honest, friends. This story opened my eyes. Not because I didn’t suspect that humanity would sink so low as to steal from a young girl’s piggy bank — I am proud to say that I suspect EVERYONE of EVERYTHING. But it is our imperative as vigilant members of a dangerous society to take advantage of amazing DNA technology. As a new mother, I became obsessed with clearing the twins’ room of everything even REMOTELY dangerous (sharp edges, electrical outlets, their father, etc.). But what if someone had broken into their room to kidnap them? The attacker may not have left any forensic evidence behind!

A young woman and beloved wife gone missing. Authorities believe she had drowned in a river, until the woman contacts her relatives and tells them that she RAN AWAY WITH ANOTHER MAN. So why weren’t police able to figure out that she hadn’t drowned after spending $250,000? And more importantly, why wasn’t any of this $250,000 spent investigating the husband?

Everybody knows that if a beautiful young woman goes missing, the husband is the responsible party approximately EVERY SINGLE TIME. As far as I am concerned, this case is not closed. How can we be satisfied with the results of this investigation when not even a single unfair accusation was leveled against this man?

Associated Press

Three young men, enjoying a trip to the zoo on Christmas day. Suddenly attacked by an escaped tiger. A case of random violence at the hands of a wild, unpredictable animal? Or further proof of the danger of LENIENT SENTENCING?

Sure, zookeepers say this tiger was secured in captivity. But a moat and a twenty-foot wall apparently weren’t enough. The fact is, this tiger had a

Mark Goudeau, a Phoenix SOCIOPATH, convicted of sexually assaulting two sisters. To go along with this brutal crime and his violent history, he is also accused of being a SERIAL KILLER responsible for the deaths of NINE PEOPLE in two years. And yet, the Phoenix justice system refuses to lock him up and throw away the key!

A British woman, teaching in Sudan out of the goodness of her heart, arrested and IMPRISONED for naming a teddy bear “Mohammed.” Amid calls for her execution or FORTY LASHES, she was sentenced to fifteen days in prison and deportation. And now the Sudanese government is letting her off the hook early? COME ON, SUDAN.

Is this the you treat your criminals, Sudanese law enforcement? You had a member of the festering brood of the Great Satan in your grasp and you let her go. You have proven yourselves weak in the eyes of Allah and the eyes of your enemy.