Associated Press

Late last week, out of Honolulu, a NEW LOW in legal defenses. A man, arrested, blames a PIG for his despicable act of violence.

The man’s defense, of course, will not stand. If he tries that in a court of law, he will be LAUGHED out of the courtroom.

However, even so, this man’s LUDICROUS defense raises an important point: PIGS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. They are perhaps the craftiest and wiliest of the farm animals. As far as livestock goes, the pig is the animal with the LEAST to lose, and you can NEVER trust something with nothing to lose. And I am to believe that this creature enjoys rolling around in the mud? Or could they be DESTROYING VALUABLE FORENSIC EVIDENCE? I’d be willing to wager that if you got to the BOTTOM of one of these mudpits, you’d find nothing but blood, eyelashes and SEMEN.

Associated Press

After MONTHS of searching for missing Madeleine McCann, Portuguese investigators have finally bumbled along to the point where they can name a suspect. And they have TWO: the little girl’s PARENTS.

On the one hand, there is the DNA evidence found in the rental car. And on the other hand, these investigators are Portuguese. It is a WELL KNOWN FACT that Europeans do NOT know how to conduct an investigation. They’re SLOW, they MISS THE IMPORTANT FACTS — why do you think the murder rate in Europe is so much lower?

I am convinced that there is more to this case THAN MEETS THE EYE. We have to ask, who is CRAZY enough to DO ANYTHING, including kidnap a little girl?

The trial of CERTIFIED NUTCASE Phil Spector is coming to a close. In the meantime, discussion of the trial has often centered around Spector’s guilty OUTRAGEOUS appearance. Speculation ABOUNDS that his weird hair and ugly shirts could cost him the case.

Of course, this speculation is just confirming what we already knew: Guilty people look guilty. This is why I’ve always believed you could streamline the justice system by replacing juries with police lineups without so much as a HICCUP. You can spot a guilty person from a MILE AWAY. Just look at Spector:

Associated Press

One of the BIGGEST mob prosecutions in HISTORY. The case is based almost ENTIRELY on the testimony of a former mobster whose credibility is SUSPECT. Will these thugs GET OFF?

A well-respected forensic scientist fired from her job at a Michigan laboratory. And why? Because HER HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON HER.

When the forensic scientist, Ann Chamberlain suspected that her husband, a former professional FOOTBALL PLAYER (there’s a red flag if I’ve ever seen one), was being unfaithful, she nabbed her husband’s underwear to test them at her lab. Low and behold, she found the DNA of a strange woman. This award-winning scientist’s reward for her successful investigation? She was handed a PINK SLIP.

A ten-year-old girl KIDNAPPED on her way to school. Kept in a CELL in a DUNGEON-LIKE BASEMENT for more than eight years. Finally escaping and now speaking out about her time in captivity. The worst part? She says she feels sorry for her kidnapper.

Now it may be that Natascha Kampusch is struggling with conflicting feelings during a difficult time. But her comments point to a disturbing trend. I have tussled with stuck-up know-it-all victims before. After escaping captivity, a person’s first wish is to return to some semblance of a normal life. This is IN. EX. CUS. A. BLE.

Associated Press

Associated Press

I had planned on hosting my show right through my pregnancy, giving birth on-air if I had to. After all, crime does NOT sleep and does NOT get time off to birth twins.

Much to my surprise, Headline News is forcing me to take maternity leave and is already holding auditions to find a temporary replacement. This got me thinking about the qualities an acceptable host will need to fill in during my absence:

Photo by Kim Scarborough via Flickr.

TONIGHT. The Michael Vick saga takes another SHOCKING turn. Already, police had uncovered one mass grave of dogs in the backyard of Vick’s Virginia home. And now, ANOTHER mass grave discovered, this one in Switzerland, where Vick does not even own property!

The most shocking part of the newest shocking development to this already shocking story? The graves were not filled with the bones of dogs. This was a mass grave for DINOSAURS.

When my good friend Susan Moss first showed me this story and connected it to the Vick case (her exact words were “MICHAEL VICK WAS FIGHTING DINOS, SEND HIM TO JAIL WHERE HE WON’T FEEL SO FINE-O”), I thought she was reaching. But then I read the story together and started putting the pieces together.

The dinosaurs’ bones came to light during house-building in the village of Frick, near the German border.

Photo by greenmelinda via Flickr.

A six-year-old, playing unsuspectingly in his Milwaukee home. Now recovering in the hospital after being SHOT in the abdomen and the bicep. The identity of the shooter is KNOWN. And yet, police have not filed charges! WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?

Milwaukee police are claiming that, because the shooter was a three-year-old, they need to explore all the circumstances of the case. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This little girl found a LOADED GUN, hidden BEHIND THE STOVE, took it into the other room, and SHOT her six-year-old playmate. How did she know the gun was there? How was she able to operate the gun? The circumstances CLEARLY point to deliberation and careful planning on this girl’s part, and to let her off on some technicality like AGE because “she’s too young to develop a clear understanding of her existence as an autonomous creature” is BA. LO. NEE.