Paradise awaits you (AP)

It very cold down in America this time on year, yes? You get trapped inside like so many gurkkus under rocks, and you get this, what you say, captain’s fever? You want to get away somewhere warm, adventurous, where anything can happen, like in your movies. I know this deep inside my heart.

Come close, and let me whisper the name of this magical mystery adventureland in your ear: Iraq! Wait, come back! Hear me over and out.

In Iraq, every day is a glorious quest of majesty. You step off of the plane, and already you hear the fireworks and shooting of rifles in the air. Of course because they are happy on your arrival! And Allah-be-praised is it hot! You are sick of cold and snowfrost, I know this. Well, yesterday, I am telling you, I cooked eggs on hood of my car. I cannot begin to describe to you the sublime taste detonation that erupted within my mouth. It was truly glorious. Every day in Iraq, you will eat meals like this.

And thrilling adventure? Let me not even be getting started!

In Iraq, the super sexy action movie happens every day, and guess to me who is superstar? You are, you mega man! Thrilling difficulty awaits you around ever turn! You try to go from Sunni side of town to the Shi’ite side? Super action! You try to go to market to buy goat? Awesome danger! Like the deepvoice guy says in the preview, “In world where nothing is what something seems, and where three different sects of Islam will fight for control over a corrupt, war torn shell of country, one man must have to be like Rambo, James Bond, Terminator Man and Hulkermania all in one if he hopes to not get exploded.”

Associated Press

Sigh!

Almighty Allah, bestow your grace upon thee for your humble servant, Nouri, is depressed … again. This whole problem with Blackwater - its unjustified killing of my people and now its immunity. Maybe I should just do what I was thinking about in January and quit. But quitting is for losers, no? Either way, I have lost my passion for this work.

There once was a time when, as a young boy, I would frolic along the riverbeds, hand-in-hand with my schoolyard chums; in love with this country and its god. Then Saddam came to power, the rivers browned with run-off and hand-in-hand frolicking became a treasonous offense punishable by hand-amputation. Now — even after ordering Saddam’s execution myself — I am lucky to walk the streets without a handless nub waved at me in anger.

Associated Press

You know the first time I heard the name “Blackwater” I thought I was inside a James Bond movie — a James Bond movie where improvised explosives go off every other day and my cousin, Ahmed, left his wife widowed and his children fatherless after an American Daisy Cutter turned his village into a crater — but a James Bond movie, nonetheless.

Sigh.

Well, shit. Things are not looking that great for your pal, Nouri. Not at all.

Associated Press

Sigh.

You ever have one of those days? You know, those days you just want to lock yourself in a room, take a double-dose of knock-off Turkish Xanax and curl up in bed to enjoy the cold sweats and panic attacks in isolation?

Well I’m having one of those weeks. Pretty much every week. Hillary Clinton recently called for me to be ousted. Coming from her, that’s especially insulting. And just this past weekend former interim Iraqi Prime Minister, and current pain in my anus (painus), Ayad Allawi accused me of fomenting sectarian violence and promised to return and “reverse the course in Iraq” (whatever that means) enlisting the help of a White House-connected GOP lobbying firm in the process.

Associated Press

The top leaders of Iraq have agreed to meet for a summit to find political solutions to our many, many problems. We have so many problems, my god, this place is like a circus of death.

It was difficult to hammer out an agenda with so many competing factions, but here it is for all to see:

Associated Press

Sigh.

If you think your huge bombing yesterday is going to get you attention, al-Qaeda or Sunni insurgents or Shi’ite militias, you will be sorely disappointed. Killing 250 people can no longer impress me. I’ve seen it all before.