Associated Press

The top leaders of Iraq have agreed to meet for a summit to find political solutions to our many, many problems. We have so many problems, my god, this place is like a circus of death.

It was difficult to hammer out an agenda with so many competing factions, but here it is for all to see:

• 9:00 am: Commence “One Iraq Unity Summit” in Green Zone Marriott conference hall. Open with pledges of allegiance to various religions and warlords.
• 10:00 am: Take turns showing slides from our recent month-long vacations.
• 11:00 am: Begin three hour lunch break.
• 2:35ish pm: Slowly trickle back in late from lunch break.
• 2:45 pm: Argue over who gets to sit where. Sunnis claim “same seats.”
• 3:15 pm: Sunnis walk out of summit in protest.
• 4:00 pm: Sunnis coaxed back with promise of Postmaster General position.
• 4:30 pm: Break up into small groups to participate in team-building exercises, including trust falls.
• 4:35 pm: Group of Kurds allow Sunni Vice President to fall to the floor, shattering his vertebrae.
• 4:37 pm: Havoc, smattering of gunfire.
• 4:40 pm: Call in air support.
• 4:50 pm: Remove casualties.
• 5:00 pm: Settle on agenda for next meeting.

Don’t laugh, it took us three months to agree on this schedule.