Paradise awaits you (AP)

It very cold down in America this time on year, yes? You get trapped inside like so many gurkkus under rocks, and you get this, what you say, captain’s fever? You want to get away somewhere warm, adventurous, where anything can happen, like in your movies. I know this deep inside my heart.

Come close, and let me whisper the name of this magical mystery adventureland in your ear: Iraq! Wait, come back! Hear me over and out.

In Iraq, every day is a glorious quest of majesty. You step off of the plane, and already you hear the fireworks and shooting of rifles in the air. Of course because they are happy on your arrival! And Allah-be-praised is it hot! You are sick of cold and snowfrost, I know this. Well, yesterday, I am telling you, I cooked eggs on hood of my car. I cannot begin to describe to you the sublime taste detonation that erupted within my mouth. It was truly glorious. Every day in Iraq, you will eat meals like this.

And thrilling adventure? Let me not even be getting started!

In Iraq, the super sexy action movie happens every day, and guess to me who is superstar? You are, you mega man! Thrilling difficulty awaits you around ever turn! You try to go from Sunni side of town to the Shi’ite side? Super action! You try to go to market to buy goat? Awesome danger! Like the deepvoice guy says in the preview, “In world where nothing is what something seems, and where three different sects of Islam will fight for control over a corrupt, war torn shell of country, one man must have to be like Rambo, James Bond, Terminator Man and Hulkermania all in one if he hopes to not get exploded.”

You like this, I know you do.

I know that you Americans sit in your office all day, then wait in the cold for a bus to go home to cramped apartment. This is no place for you. You want to be in the Wild Wild West. Well here is your chance, my brother! Do not be like the little girl Susan. Be like the Filthy Harry, “I go ahead make your day!”, yes? In Iraq, every day we go ahead and make your day.

In America, there are so many rules! Mr. American Man says, “I want a gun!” Sorry, Mr. Man, you must fill in many forms and then wait two thousand years! In Iraq, your command is our wish! You want guns? I get you guns. Just hold out your hand, and you can catch them as they fall from sky. Just remember to remove the bloody fingers that are still attached, yes?

You know I am joking, right? The guns I give you will surely not be clutched by any severed hands. I swear to this.

Bottomest line, as Prime Minister of the great country of Iraq, it is my sacred duty to make sure that you have the getaway experience of twenty-seven lifetimes. So come join us! The air is thick with a magical mist of sulfur and potassium nitrate, and the hood of my Cadillac is ready for grilling!

So say goodbye to boring life in America! Reach to the stars for your dreams, and come to the oasis in the desert that we call Iraq!

And please bring shitloads of money.