This new year is not even two weeks old and already it smells like a very bad one for you.

• You have lost your job because of collapse in Western capitalism.
• You have lost your wife because you have lost your job. She only want your money, not your hairy ass.
• You have lost the hair on your ass because of malnutrition. No wife means no hot meals.

So what to do? I'll tell you what to do - JOIN AL QAEDA! When you join Al Qaeda, you enjoy the best perks of any insurgent group in whole world.

This day today I am very proud of my wingman al-Zawahri, who has made very courageous statement about the sensitive issue of Barack Obama and race.

My own view is very much like that of al-Zawahri, but I should tell you that I do very much enjoy jazz. It is my very favorite of all musics. Even I could not hold back tears during Obama's stunning acceptance. What a virtuoso! That improvisation!

It is this day that Americans will vote. Not many of them, but some. Also not those who already cast ballots absently. You know who you are.

My campaign has not been seen much on the TV or in the newspapers, because your corrupted election system does not give favor to outsiders who do not play by the rules of the establishment, like your Naders and your Kucinichs and your foreign-born terrorist masterminds, just for example.

Luckily there's still time to consider casting your vote for me. Allow me to explain why an Osama presidency would be what America needs.

Can you be sassy and ominous at the same time? Can you write in a style that is both educational and enjoyable? Do you ooze talent? If you answered yes to my questions, you may be a perfect candidate to ghostwrite my memoir!

This book will address the struggles I sometimes face as the leader of a global jihad who has been forced to plot the demise of the West while moving from cave to cave. I don’t have a title yet, but I’m thinking something along the lines of “My Struggles.” I may also include some discussion of the atrocities being meted out to the Muslim world in contemporary times by the Western world, or I may keep politics out of it; haven’t decided yet.

My ghostwriter must be a man of Middle Eastern background who possesses ability to write in prose that is lively, fun, and entertaining; think David Sedaris, minus the homosexual, white infidel stuff.

One day when you least expect it, you cannot find all that is most important to you. Your vegetarian pad thai. Your pre-baked chocolate croissants. Your artichoke tortellini. Today is that day. The reason?

Crisis: Warehouse Fire Obliterates Trader Joe's Frozen Foods Section

You have finally pushed me too far. Pizza with goat cheese and caramelized onions? It is abomination in His eyes. Allah disdains your eggplant cutlets. You prophetless orgiastic consumers will stop at nothing to horde high-quality specialty groceries at surprisingly reasonable prices!

But no more.*

It is easy to point fingers and assign blame. You can say I masterminded the inferno that has consumed your cartons of insanely rich macaroni and cheese. You can say I sent detailed plans to my domestic sleeper cell with drawings of matchbooks and tissue paper.

You all seem to think I am eluding your most advanced efforts. American military cannot find me. Pakistan military cannot find me. Morgan Spurlock cannot find me. You know who else has no stinking idea of where I am? ME!

This GPS that was given to me by Salim Ahmed Hamdan, my former driver and spiritual brother, Praise be Him, is a useless piece of shit. No wonder he never could deliver me anywhere on time! I follow the directions to the main Pakistan highway, I wind up in a lake. I do a search for ATM, it sends me to a Dunkin Donuts. Feh! Their munchkins are more dry than falafels.

Oh look, now it say my map is out of date and I must pay for new map. Your old map was no good! Why is new map going to be better? Screw this.

They are saying that the Bat Man cannot fight with the Joker again because the Heath Ledger has swallowed too many of the pills. Listen to me, I am the Joker you need. Look at the very good reasons:

• I love making the chaos
• I do not wash much my hair
• I am very comfortable on the camera
• I am not a member of the SAG and so will work below scale

Who else will play this Joker? Ben Kingsley? Too old. Will Ferrell? Not enough funny. I'm pleased to do nude scenes with Maggie Gyllenhaal. I would step over Allah's fetid corpse for a piece of that.

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It never ceases to amaze me how your Western media wastes its time on these things. Is Barack Obama a secret Muslim? Is he part of a sleeper cell planning to take over the White House? Does he prefer the Quran to the Bible? Come on you people — wake it up! Could the answer not be more obvious?

YES!

• Muslims cannot play the bowling ball. Obama cannot play the bowling ball.
• Obama enjoys the company of crazy religious leaders.
• Obama enjoys the company of crazy followers.