On this 60th anniversary of the modern state of the israelites, let me take a moment to say a few nice words about these jews.

Dear Jews -- you have done some good things, Osama is big enough to admit this. I like your comedy. That Seinfeld and his crazy situations! How long will we have to stand in this line for chinese food? Where is my car in this parking garage, I cannot find it! Oh no, my girlfriend has man hands! I watch this Seinfeld every time he is on, which is a lot.

Other stuff I like about jews:

• Knishes. The perfect food for fleeing through the desert, they come in their own wrapper, and provide plenty of tasty starchy calories.
• Bob Dylan. He isn't always jewish but he is best when he is.
• Hava Nagila. Once you hear this song you cannot stop from humming it all the day long. It is so happy.

When you are planning a murderous regime it is important to choose a good name. A name people can easily remember. A name people can easily spell on the google. And most important of all, a name that sounds scary even to the people who do not know what it means.

Osama is very impressed with these juntas in Myanmar. THE JUNTA. What a glorious and praiseworthy name! I like to say it over and over again. THE JUNTA. THE JUNTA. I do not know what a junta is but it does not matter. I am already scared of them. It is even better than Khmer Rouge, which always sounded to me like a brand of makeup for woman. Even if I did not know how THE JUNTA force their will upon a nation of 55 million and even prevent them from receiving international aid after being wiped out by a cyclone, I would like these juntas already just for their name.

One day it will just hit you -- BAM! You're old!

For me, that day has come on today. I used to be the most cool of all the guys I know. You wanted to see laser disc, you come to me. You wanted to learn macarena, I was only guy in town who knew all the moves -- by memory. We were messing around with cell phones long before these kids today with the omg! and the ttyl! The only instant message we sent was boom!

But I no longer know what is going on in this world. Everyone says, Osama, did you hear about these pictures of Ms. Miley Cyrus?

I confess -- I have waited again until the last minute. This year I swore on the Great Prophet that I would file early, but then my TurboTax would not install right and it took weeks to receive the papers by camel back. Do not be so surprised! It is consistent with the Holy Scripture that each man contribute a portion of his wealth back to society, minus the customary standard deduction of three goats per wife.

By the blood of Allah I will never locate inside the Great Satan my primary residence! But I do time-share a vacation home in Aspen (even more beautiful in summer!), and my significant holdings in Berkshire Hathaway require that I must deliver these forms to your wicked and immoral leaders. 

I do not wish to miss the midnight filing deadline so I must run now to catch the outgoing camel. Your great military commanders may not find me, but the IRS -- that is not a chance Osama is willing to take!

Establishing a global caliphate can put a mighty hunger in your belly. A guy can only eat so much of the hummus, am I right? Praise Allah. Garlic flavor, lemon flavor, roasted red pepper, forty spices...let us face to it, they are all basically tasting the same. 

But this McRib, created by these Westerners...this McRib is very, very good indeed. I wish it were not so, but Allah works in mysterious ways. The bun -- soft and pillowy like a heavenly cloud. Surely it cannot be made of any wheat from this holy Earth.  The sauce -- sticky sweet like candy, it dares to defy gravity and in doing so, it defies the Great Prophet. And let us not forget the moist and toothsome Mcrib itself. Were I to know what wonderful beast yields this Mcrib I would farm it for myself, right here in the desert!

Let's get one thing straight. My colleague Ayman's "Ask Zawahri" stunt is all in good fun. Maybe you've read that "Al-Qaida's No. 2 defends deadly attacks." He can say what he wants, but make note of the key words in that headline -- No. 2. That's right -- number two. Not number one. Number two.

You want answers direct from number one, you come here, you come to Osama. I can answer questions, too, you know. Forget about that Zawahri. The man only likes to hear his own talk.

To prove it, I am opening my inbox right now.

Q: Are you planning more attacks? -- George

A: George, thank you for your question. Osama cannot discuss projects still in the planning stages, but I will say that we are happy with how things are going and hope to introduce to you some exciting new surprises in the near future. (Hint: stay away from submarines.)

It takes a lot to get on my nerves, but I've just about had it with the mainstream media "accidentally" confusing my name with that other guy, Obama. I'm going to say this once and once only: It is O-S-AMA, get it? With an S!

Frankly, I find it more than a little bit insulting to be mistaken for this guy. Obama wants to bring Americans together. Obama wants to inspire hope. Obama wants to live the dreams from his father. Is that what you think I want? Have you paid any attention at all to everything I've been saying? Am I just making these videotapes for my own entertainment?

Let me clarify some other important differences that prove I am in no way like the infidel Obama:

The European Union continues to sanction cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed. I don't normally like to get involved in international politics, but I couldn't keep my displeasure to myself anymore.

How many times do I have to say this? It's not a cartoon if IT ISN'T FUNNY!

For Allah's sake, praise be he, I laugh more at the average Cathy, which is never. Who's writing these comics? Noam Chomsky?