Monday Night Jihad
by Jason Elam and Steve Yohn
Tyndale House Publishers
$19.99

Sure, I blew up the World Trade Center because Mickey Mouse is a walking rodent-y insult to Allah and Muhammed his prophet. And, yes, I blew up that ship off the coast of Yemen because McDonald’s can’t make a decent burger. But even I haven’t been foolish enough to challenge the National Football League. George W. Bush is a buffoon and Dick Cheney a psychopathic war-monger … but I cautiously respect Roger Goodell.

You have had chances, America. Perhaps more chances than a decadent nation like your’s deserves. And now you have been granted another. Guided no doubt by the infinite wisdom of Allah despite being nothing more than another Catholic pig, former NBC executive Kevin Reilly renewed Friday Night Lightswhich makes it’s return tonight.

But as further proof that the might of Allah is infinite beyond measure, He has guided the ignorant Jewish Zionist ape Ben Silverman (who has since used his sinister wiles to acquire Reilly’s job) to move the show up an hour, from it’s originally slated slot at 10:00 to 9:00, where it at least has the whisper of a chance.

America, you have disregarded the imploring from your finest critics, from your most sarcastic internet sites, and your own consciences. You ignore me at your peril: if more than ten million people fail to tune in to the second season premiere, Mount Rushmore will vanish into a cloud, destroyed by the wrath of faithful believers.

Photo via NBC.

A culture is reeling after an act of terror disrupted ages of vaunted tradition. The conflict started on the penultimate episode of Bravo’s Top Chef. In a challenge involving a chicken, an onion, and a potato, female chef Casey (brazenly uncovered, I might add, face and hands exposed) prepared for some of the greatest chefs of this age a dish that she called “coq au vin“. This dish was made with a young chicken in only two hours. Last time I checked, that is not coq au vin. I do not mean to sound like a lunatic fundamentalist, but YOU CANNOT MAKE A COQ AU VIN IN TWO HOURS, ESPECIALLY WITH A YOUNG CHICKEN.

Coq au vin is made with an old bird. A “coq,” in fact. Have you become so culturally bereft that you cannot be bothered to preserve the most basic meanings of words in the romance languages? Even words that have direct cognates (”cock“) in your own gutter vernacular?

Photo by herrner via Flickr.

The most recent videorecording

Associate Press

It has been persuasively argued by your finest cultural critics that I am, perhaps, an extremist. That my views lie far on the outside edge of the spectrum your society uses to define “normal”. That the means my Mujahideen exercise to achieve our goals are cruel and brutal and perhaps immoral in the eyes of the Christian god. And all of that may be true, from your warped and culturally bereft perspective.

But, really, at least I am not one of those those lunatic Pearl Jam fans. Those people are berserk, and they frighten me immensely.

As-Sal?mu `alaykum, and my sincerest apologies for being late to begin my web-log. Although my cave in South Waziristan keeps me securely hidden from the forces of the American infidel soldiers, and allows me to be hospitable to those few guests who stumble by and provides me with shelter from the dreadful Waziri weather and nearly constant blood feuds, it provided no small challenge for my men to install my cable television and high-speed internet access. Nevertheless, with the help of Allah and Muhammed his prophet, we have succeeded, and so I am able to compose this post to you.

Associated Press

Almost precisely six years ago, I attempted to send a message to your United States. That message has been debated, argued about, sung about, cursed and blessed to the heavens. And yet the true, simple meaning seems to have escaped even your most insightful pundits: I have been trying to tell you that your culture, frankly, sucks. It blows. Hard.