I’ve told reporters that I think Nicole Richie will be a great mom. And I totally stand by that statement. Should Nicole actually GET pregnant, instead of carrying on with this ridiculous attempt to THWART my paparazzi power … I’m sure she’ll be great. Whenever we drove to Skid Row to buy cocaine, she’d always crack open the windows of her car for Tinkerbell. Now that’s maternal instinct.

However, Nicole Richie is NOT pregnant. Let’s take another look at how the charade is progressing:

Associated Press

That’s not a baby! It’s clearly tissue paper! I can practically hear it crinkling.

Don’t you think you’re a little old to be stuffing, Nicole?