I've been receiving a lot of angry emails lately concerning a recent incident involving several of our officers using what some dub as "extreme force"(i.e. baton sodomizing). I would like to address their concerns here.

First off let me say that the recent "sodomy incident" has been blown out of proportion by those who are unfamiliar with NYPD protocol. Allow me to familiarize you with NYPD protocol...

NYPD Arrest Protocol as of Sept. 1st 1906

1. Tell suspect to stop and put their hands up.

2. If suspect resists arrest, use necessary force to take suspect down.

3. If suspect continues to fight, beat them until they stop fighting and or protecting their face.

4. If suspect reacts negatively to being beaten and arrested, officers may use one of the following actions:

A. Bear Baiting
B. Sodomy
C. Facial Flatulence