Hi all. I’d like to clear a few things up real quick about the recent newsletter I distributed at mass last Sunday. After checking it over again, I noticed there are a few typos and I’ve come to find out that my trickster son Gordon is responsible.

2008 Value Hierarchy

You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don’t have to be nice to them.

– Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, January 14, 1991

Ah, you know—there’s not much that I dislike about me from seventeen years ago. That salt and pepper hair, the general swagger, the spot on logic. But I admit, time brings change, and here in 2008, I find myself needing to alter my beliefs just a bit to be consonant with contemporary views. So, accordingly, I’ve adopted a new value-chart, meant to bring myself up to date and allow the reader to more fully understand my doctrine.

My, my, my. Recently, scientists have discovered a new type of flesh eating bacteria that is proliferating rapidly among gay men in San Francisco. I swear sometimes it just hurts to be right you know? I mean, we all already knew that most gays are secretly bionic wizards controlled by tiny aliens whose mission is to corrupt the world, but flesh eating bacteria?

Either god is upset or these No-No Sexuals (as I like to call them) have reached a new pinnacle of desperation in trying to lose weight. But I kid, I kid.

Did ya hear about the gay guy who was let into heaven? Yeah, god saw that he was hole-y!!! Oh man Pat, you are the devil. Seriously though, did you hear the one about the gay guy who bought some ass-less chaps but wound up just ass-less? Alright I’m done. Wait, why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to see the gay guy who was half eaten alive by bacteria that is irrefutably part of some divine retribution that good ol Pat has been talking about for decades.

It has recently been announced by the FDA that cloned animals are safe to eat. This means that a duplicated animal bears no distinctions between itself and its clones. And what does that mean, you ask?

It means it’s time to unveil my newest project to remedy the pervasive starvation and impoverishment that burdens Africa. The project is called, simply: “The Project Wherein I Clone My Son Gordon Multiple Times and Feed Him to the Hungry Kids.

Help the starving kids with pieces of my son Gordon’s flesh. Like a certain, wink wink, deity above did. Are you with me? Alright. I figure we can have open ranges, with penned up Gordons, so the Gordons may graze at will before being fed to starving children. We can harvest the milk of the many Gordons and perhaps manufacture winter apparel like hats and scarves with the fleeces of the hybridized, speckled-Gordon.

It’s been a long year so far: My son replaced me at CBN, my wife threw out my Crash Test Dummies shirt, God’s talking to me like we’re sisters or something and, most importantly, the locale of our weekly 700 Club aftershow party has moved. In years past, the little get together has been the scene of much merriment, like the cameraman’s birthday party when I wrapped up a box with a piece of paper inside that read: Greed is a sin; you’re going to hell.

Photo by prettywar-stl via Flickr

But also, the aftershow party has been the scene of much, much dark anguish. Which is why I’m moving the party to my house this year. I talked to God again and He said, “Pat, if you don’t get any of that potato salad at tonight’s 700 Club after party, I am going to destroy whatever state has the most gays/democrats in it.”