My, my, my.  You know, Ol' Pat knows just about everything, but one thing he didn't know is that a piece of paper could be gay.  I mean, we all know now, thanks to my erudite pronouncements on the gay scourge, that in addition to humans being gay, other things, some animate some inanimate, can be gay as well.  For instance, to name a few:  ground squirrels, my son, exercise bikes, three-hole punchers, nike shoes (speculative still) and any unmarried woman.  But now, a piece of paper?!

Alas, it's true. California law recently gave gays the right to marry. 

I'm just going to go ahead and cite the darn scripture already, as no amount of logic can dispel this mistake as quickly. I cite the following biblical proscriptions on gay marriage in no particular order:

Corinthians 13: 15-17--

"Let it be known, that us heterosexuals call dibs on marriage.  Let these dibs resonate freely to all ears, both homosexual ears and the right kind, you know, the kind that are human and deserve God's love.  Also, if you're confused about the whole ear thing, remember the whole piercing thing: lefty-righty, righty-wrong."

As you probably are aware: Yes, God talks to me.

Sometimes, He tells me grave prophecies. Sometimes He decides what to order at Wendy’s. And sometimes, well sometimes He just tells me that I’m an A+ guy. But, Gordon, my 49-year-old disobedient son, He’s telling me right now that you’re cheating your irreligious ass off at our game of monopoly.

I should have known when you wouldn’t look me in the eyes after I returned from the bathroom. But thanks to ol God, I know that you have cheated.

If you were to ask, “Hey Pat, what’s the greatest threat to our national security and sanctity?” I would undoubtedly respond, “Why, a giant raincloud full of gay arabs.” But if you were to ask me what the second greatest threat is, I would have to say, with grave certainty: Lunchables.

We’ve all had a Lunchable in our day. We’ve all enjoyed the combination of some type of embalmed ham with desiccated crackers (I like to pretend my cracker is a Eucharist and that the ham is one of our Lord’s nipples, excised from His body to quell the spiritual and appetitive fires of the soul). But recently, I have reconsidered my stance on the product. And, following a strictly inferential series of logically tested suppositions, I am now unequivocally convinced of the horrid damnation consequent to eating a Lunchable.

Recently, a woman in Florida was killed by a stingray that jumped into her boat and collided with her. Much like that heathen crocodile hunter, she died a humorous death at the hands of a stingray.

She and the crocodile hunter are not alone. Oh no. Hear my words America, those who do not acquiesce to god’s command and the Christian way, will die and they will die in a peculiar, animal-related collision. Ephesians 13: 21-24— “And the one who abides not by god’s command, he shall be crushed by an out of control, wakeboarding camel.”