It has recently been announced by the FDA that cloned animals are safe to eat. This means that a duplicated animal bears no distinctions between itself and its clones. And what does that mean, you ask?

It means it’s time to unveil my newest project to remedy the pervasive starvation and impoverishment that burdens Africa. The project is called, simply: “The Project Wherein I Clone My Son Gordon Multiple Times and Feed Him to the Hungry Kids.

Help the starving kids with pieces of my son Gordon’s flesh. Like a certain, wink wink, deity above did. Are you with me? Alright. I figure we can have open ranges, with penned up Gordons, so the Gordons may graze at will before being fed to starving children. We can harvest the milk of the many Gordons and perhaps manufacture winter apparel like hats and scarves with the fleeces of the hybridized, speckled-Gordon.

Gordon’s legacy will live on — because I promise to repeatedly clone him. I’ll even clone his dog if it’ll help because I’m a man on a mission. A mission that god relayed to me through my iPod while I did the stair climber last night.

I’d also like to clone my toothbrush because i’m always losing the dern thing. While I’m at it, I’d probably clone that Arby’s sandwich in the fridge too, just so I wouldn’t have to go out again.

And … oh oh, sweet, probably my Nintendo Wii controller because we need one more if Dede and I are going to play Madden 08.

That’s it though, but mainly the cloning, killing and processing of my son, Gordon.