My, my, my. Recently, scientists have discovered a new type of flesh eating bacteria that is proliferating rapidly among gay men in San Francisco. I swear sometimes it just hurts to be right you know? I mean, we all already knew that most gays are secretly bionic wizards controlled by tiny aliens whose mission is to corrupt the world, but flesh eating bacteria?

Either god is upset or these No-No Sexuals (as I like to call them) have reached a new pinnacle of desperation in trying to lose weight. But I kid, I kid.

Did ya hear about the gay guy who was let into heaven? Yeah, god saw that he was hole-y!!! Oh man Pat, you are the devil. Seriously though, did you hear the one about the gay guy who bought some ass-less chaps but wound up just ass-less? Alright I’m done. Wait, why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to see the gay guy who was half eaten alive by bacteria that is irrefutably part of some divine retribution that good ol Pat has been talking about for decades.

All joking aside, it’s time to act now before we die later. Scientists say the disease can spread with simple contact. And just today, I bought a sandwich at Quiznos and I think the guy who made it was gay (I mean, his hair was combed pretty neatly and I thought I detected a hint of diesel fuel, which is what the tiny aliens use to power the bionic gay bodies).

I don’t want to be next, so, in one of my characteristic flairs of genius and benevolence, I concocted a plan. This plan has been conceived for both its efficacy and humaneness. And it goes as follows: first, we empty out one of the major lakes, I’m thinking Lake Michigan but whatever. Then we replace the water with Lysol and corral all the gay men in the world and dip them into the Lake of Lysol. The bacteria would then be stunted a little. Then we require (by law) that all the gay men, who were dipped into the Lake of Lysol, to remain wrapped up in saran wrap at all times, so as not to be able to touch anyone who isn’t afflicted with a biblical plague.

caption: friday night at a gay club

I feel this is a good alternative to my earlier, “less humane” (thank you Gordon) plan which was to send the gay men over to the middle east so they could find and hug terrorists. By the way Gordon, you aren’t, uh, feeling a little corroded are you? Maybe a little dry or “decompose-y” in certain areas. America you have been warned.