Hi all. I’d like to clear a few things up real quick about the recent newsletter I distributed at mass last Sunday. After checking it over again, I noticed there are a few typos and I’ve come to find out that my trickster son Gordon is responsible.

• Under the weekly affirmation, it should say, “Rejoice, because God is good,” NOT “Rejoice, because Fruit Stripe Gum is good.” Again, God, not Fruit Stripe Gum.
• I noticed that instead of the lyrics to Glory Hallelujah, that little prankster Gordon slipped in the lyrics to “The Final Countdown.” Not a bad tune but, nonetheless.
• For those of you confused about the theme of the teen dance being, “Pimps and Hos” whatever that means, know that the real theme is, “Women Not Looking at Men in the Eyes until They’re Ready to Submit Wholly to Patriarchal Dominance Disco Night.”
• Lastly, instead of the church hotline, there seems to be the number for some type of gentlemen’s club, the members of which treated me with a liberal amount of Christian love, so much so that I had to hang up.

Now I’ve talked to Gordon and he is repentant. He better be, because I can withhold his Sports Illustrated for Kids subscription for as long as I want. And forget about that junior detective kit, you little miscreant.