The other day I was in the break room, reading a Doonesbury comic. And I was just about to frown and condemn it when I heard a voice in the hallway. It was Gordon, apparently on the phone with someone. Well, I listened in and heard my son Gordon say something about “remembering to bring the anal beads.”

Now, I’m familiar with just about every kind of jewelry, the scapula, the rosary, what have you, but I had never heard about anal beads.

So I did a little research and come to find that these anal beads are exactly the type of trinket every good Christian needs. We must all be anal about our prayers and commitment to the lord. And what better way than with a long string of beads (getting exponentially bigger towards the end for emphasis I assume)? Everyday we must count our blessings, bead by bead.

We must remember that our service doesn’t begin or end in church. We are called every moment to be as anal about our prayers as possible. Just let those dirty gays and lesbians try to get their grubby mitts on our souls when we have our anal beads nearby, ready to remind us to pray. Each precious bead is a poultice against outside forces. I take each bead and put it into my soul.

The next day, I came into the office wearing a big ol set of anal beads around my neck and patted Gordon on the shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay now son, we both have a pair of anal beads, and I hope we can string them together in prayer and defend ourselves against evil.” The poor boy was speechless. I told him to start wearing his anal beads to work.

And I looked at him and said, “Let’s get anal, son. Let’s get down and dirty anal. Because we fight the good fight.”

It looked like he threw up in his mouth a little, probably from his intense spirituality.