Recently, a woman in Florida was killed by a stingray that jumped into her boat and collided with her. Much like that heathen crocodile hunter, she died a humorous death at the hands of a stingray.

She and the crocodile hunter are not alone. Oh no. Hear my words America, those who do not acquiesce to god’s command and the Christian way, will die and they will die in a peculiar, animal-related collision. Ephesians 13: 21-24— “And the one who abides not by god’s command, he shall be crushed by an out of control, wakeboarding camel.”

Others have gone before, in fulfillment of the scriptures. A bullet didn’t kill JFK, he was already dead on the day of his “assassination.” He actual death occurred when a bear that was asleep in a tree fell out then landed on his head. Norman Mailer was killed by a drunk walrus that miscalculated a jump on a trampoline. The crew of the Challenger met death by a seriously awry spacemoose.

These examples aren’t meant to scare you, for His wrath is inexplicable through earthly suffering. But consider yourselves warned. The next time you abandon his word, be on the lookout for cartwheeling elephants or maybe a big dog that’s rollerblading or something.