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Recently, I divulged some predictions for 2008, predictions I’m sure you’ll find no less accurate than some of my earlier endeavors. I did however express some uncertainty and reluctance, so let me clear the air.

First, I know the outcome of the presidential race like I said. But I’m a little worried about my clairvoyant precision. Some of God’s words have become hazy. It’s sorta like a game of telephone. He’ll say one thing, and I have to ask a few times and I concentrate real hard. And the harder I concentrate, the more confused i get. When God said, “No Pat, I’m not talking to you anymore because you totally made up that hurricane to punish the gays at Disneyland thing.” I heard, “I love you Pat, you’re better than me.”

Sometimes God and I just don’t gel with appointment times. Like I’ll say, “Hey God, is it possible to chat Thursday night? I have to go to my son Gordon’s adult t-ball league game tonight.”

Then God’s says, “Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, hmmm — actually, Thursday’s no good, I got this book club thing.”

So we have to compromise. “Ok, God, Prophetize whenever you want, but I might be doing something else — like using the Nordic track while listening to Collective Soul on my iPod or drinking cough syrup and reading the bible in my darkened room.”

All this frenzy about Gordon and how he may or may not be right for CBN and how he may or may not be a homosexual has led me a bit astray. (Just yesterday he told me he accidentally saw his own genitals while he was in the bathroom [Oopsies!!].) So astray, that I feel I must reexamine the whole homo world to make sure I myself avoid becoming one (I must confess, yesterday, while Gordon was off in pleasureville, I myself touched a frozen hotdog in the office kitchen without any gloves on {yipe!!!}).

And it is with the animal kingdom that I begin anew. In fact, I am now absolutely convinced, as convinced as I am that rain is God’s tears, that the homosexual is a descendant of the Marmot, or, the ground squirrel, Marmota Rodentia.

The wicked embrace

Let’s check the facts (facts that I gathered from wikipedia, the number on anti-gay, truth oriented website):

1. “Marmots live in burrows, and hibernate through the winter.”

Oh really? Well this differs not whatsoever from what I witnessed during my undercover work last week at The Nut Bush, a gay bar. I overheard a man talking about his apartment, or, more likely, an underground burrow. I presume he and other gays hole up in these burrows to hibernate with intravenous applications of chocolate martinis to sustain them.

I think it’s time that we get back to the rudiments of faith with a little sermon. It’s time to look passed the predictions, passed the fact that Gordon DEFINITELY used my “From Grumpy to Perky in 3.5 Sips” mug in the office yesterday and remember we are here to constantly learn and revise our actions.

But where to look in these dark days? I asked myself this same question the other day when a gangly little fellow waltzed into my mind and gave me the clarity and direction needed for this sermon: Urkel.

We must look to him to avoid being like him. So often we Christians find ourselves imposing on another’s time and property, maybe accidentally breaking a vase or ruining Carl Winslow’s day off. And we know nothing of our own conduct. We step back and say “did I do that?” as if to expiate our sins. We need to be asking ourselves: why did I do that? Why did I accidentally set the treadmill that Carl’s using to hyper-speed?

The usurper feeds

Not one solid week after my son Gordon is named CEO of The Christian Broadcasting Network and he flubs up real good. If you don’t already know, I’m a huge fan of Capri Suns. Sometimes the heat of absolving the world’s sins and predicting disasters dehydrates me and only the cool flavor of Mountain Madness or Glacial Cherry can mollify me.

But, Gordon, apparently high on some power trip, felt it was acceptable to filch one of my pouches from the office fridge (even though i wrote, “pat’s, touch and die” on a post-it). Pacific Cooler I believe it was, am I right, Gordon? They come in boxes of 12, Gordon, one for each mighty apostle, did you think I wouldn’t notice? And what about your paltry attempt to bury the crumpled pouch underneath some other garbage. I know it was you, i could smell it on your breath.

Here’s me covering my hetero-genitals from my son (AP)

As you may have heard, I am stepping down as CEO of The Christian Broadcasting Network and letting my son, Gordon, assume my position. Now, Gordon is an exemplary replacement, but I should probably air a few qualms I have about him. First, he might be a homosexual. Once, I caught him drinking a raspberry smoothie in the kitchen. Need I say more? Ol’ Pat jumped into action right away and slapped it out of his hands. Then I made him look at me while I took a shower, just to see if temptation reigned. He threw up that gay demon right away (I’ve got a lot of moles on my thighs and belly).

Furthermore, when Gordon was in high school he was in the school’s production of A Doll’s House. The play, for those of you who haven’t seen it, is about a rebellious woman who won’t submit to her husband. Theatre? I remember sitting in the audience during the play and leaning over to my wife, Dede. I raised my eyebrows and said … actually I think I said, “remind me to tell you why gum is evil later.” But then I thought about how suspect my son is.

Don’t look into its eyes

The holiday season is in full swing ladies and gentlemen and it’s easy to get swept up in the glory and grandeur. But I have some grave news that might derail the pleasant fantasies you’re having about little Jimmy playing with his firetruck by the fireplace, as he thinks about not being gay. I’m talking about emoticons people and while they’d be the first to just smile and wink away the problem, it’s not so simple. I have discovered the emoticon for what it is: a satanic tool used to corrupt the young.

This one’s called the “devilish wink” ;->

(Devilish wink perhaps like, “I just killed my parents while they were sleeping and wrote their names across the wall in blood?)

Here’s one for total disbelief :-C

(Total disbelief in a higher power perhaps?)

With 2007 nearing its close, let’s take some time to arouse fear within ourselves regarding the upcoming terrorist attacks. Yes, I feel as though we have all forgotten my predictions and the fact that, here we are in late November with no attack. It’s coming folks and as I said,

I’m not necessarily saying it’s going to be nuclear. The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.

Something like what? Well, sometimes my early warnings aren’t as lucid as they could be, so let me clarify. I have received further portents from the Lord and the attack will be as follows:

You know, sometimes I throw myself into my quest for religious truth so fervently I can’t believe it. You may remember a certain conviction about a certain disease that leads to a certain group gaining power in America:

Many observers say that AIDS is the hammer and gun of the homosexual movement, an effective vehicle to propel the homosexual agenda throughout every phase of our society.
– Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, June 20, 1990

Well, Many Observers was right. In fact, I took Many Observers on his word, and decided to do a little more research. It seemed too simple. Using AIDS to communicate the homosexual ideology? I mean, of course, AIDS achieves the main objective of the homosexual culture—death. But is it that easy?

Tell me this ostrich isn’t gay

Recently I’ve been going through old 700 club footage in preparation for our “Best Of” holiday season DVD. Here’s a classic quote from an early season:

Planned Parenthood is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism-everything that the Bible condemns.–Pat Robertson, “The 700 Club,” 4/9/91

I will NOT stand by with my hands behind my back while organizations such as Planned Parenthood lay the path for man/warthog, woman/elephant sexual relations or any other vicious combination (like three-toed sloth/two gay guys etc.).

On top of it all, they propound the use of condoms. Look, if you’re gonna have bestial relations, it is improper to use a condom. Sex is for procreation only. If you’re not ready to look into the eyes of your half-human/half-rhino baby, then perhaps you shouldn’t be having relations with the rhino. Just stay friends you know. Take it slow. Ecclesiastes 9:17-19—“the man who lays in amorous union with a rhino must know when to take it to the next level and when to just get his cds and his Scarface poster back and move on.”