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Pat Robertson’s Blog

What can't Robertson do? He can heal people, change the course of hurricanes through prayer, even lose a presidential primary! This Christian televangelist has been criticized for saying that feminists are witches and that Scotland is "a dark land overrun by homosexuals." Apparently, no one explained to Robertson the difference between a kilt and a skirt.

Hello Seth Cohen, goodbye Allah

By Pat Robertson

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Associated Press

Sure fighting Muslims to the death is the most definitive way to destroy them, but what if we could eliminate the Islamic threat without even laying a finger (or a IED) on a single turban? I’ll pause while your wits catch up with you.

In the metaphysical battleground of the Sub-Sahara, Christianity has been making serious gains. How do we win over these heathen souls, you ask? Pat’s Poppin’ Prayer Package. And you can help. For a meager 65 cents a day, a child in Sudan will be provided the following:

A Sean John jogging suit, The OC on DVD, a month’s worth of Lunchables (taco or pizza style, their choice), an Xbox with Grandtheft Auto 1 and 2, a Bluetooth phone and a lifetime supply of Gushers.

11/16/2007 7:34 PM, Virginia Beach
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Feminism and iPods, a dangerous combination

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

Much has been said of my remarks at the 1992 Republican National Convention.

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

I’ll admit that things have changed and I might need to update my remarks to be up with the times, which is good because I forgot to mention a lot of other things feminism does to society. Feminism has led helpless children into the hands of the video games and the iPods. (An iPod by the way, as I understand it, is some type of pod that children enter to finish incubating because their unfit mother’s womb is dusty and useless like an old boot.)

ipod-womb.jpg
An iPod containing a fetus that couldn’t survive in the effete uterus of a lesbian socialist

11/12/2007 9:51 PM, jesus' right hand
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Stay away from homosexual go-cart night

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

gay-ray.jpg
An artist’s conception of a homosexual subterranean dwelling and their alleged “gay-ray”

I was recently asked this question on the Christian Broadcast Network website:

I found out that one of my close friends was a homosexual. How do I show him he’s still my friend without making him think I approve of his lifestyle?

Well, being familiar with the Bible and how it applies, I laid in hard:

“If you go to homosexual events, then you are approving of his lifestyle and thinking it’s okay.”

Damn, I’m good. I can’t stress the importance of staying away from homosexual events enough. Like homosexual pancake breakfasts or homosexual civil war reenactments. These events perpetuate the agenda of homosexuals, or as I like to call them, “no-no sexuals.”

11/9/2007 2:06 PM, New York
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Queer wall for the straight white heterosexual non-abortionist guy

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

babywall.jpg
Well, as many of you know by now, I have chosen to support Mr. Rudy Giuliani in his bid to become the next president. This was not an easy choice, I assure you. For you see, Mr. Giuliani and I differ on some key issues (you know, the baby-killing, recognizing-homosexuals-as-human kind). Anyway, I think we agreed on one issue, the sanctity of American life and the need to protect it.

In my public espousal of Mr. Giuliani, I said, “To me, the overriding issue before the American people is the defense of our population from the blood lust of Islamic terrorists.” Oh and lust they do. They’re lusting for us like a starving Indian for a Mac Donald’s sandwich. Or a woman for rationality.

So me and G-Sauce sat down to discuss how we could reconcile our differences. Nuclear threats and worldwide unrest agreed upon, gay-rights and baby slaughter not, we came to the following compromise: I will not compromise.

It seemed almost too easy at first, too glaringly obvious. But after much obstinate debating, I was not convinced. Rudy even brought in a real-live homosexual for me to meet and touch. Well, turns out they do account for some physical space and I concede I didn’t see any clear signs of hopeless iniquity, but my eyes are bad these days.

11/7/2007 6:02 PM, New York
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Deutoronomy 9:16-20 — don’t collect tootsie rolls dressed up like a dinosaur.

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

I write this under the duress of fear. Fear for the souls of millions of individuals who participated in Halloween. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Yo Pat, chill. It’s just a holiday. Wrong. Halloween is the celebration of the devil and all His unholy compatriots. Just look around you. Look right there, Satan’s prime cohort: a little girl dressed like a bumblebee. And there, one of the worst, most invidious Satanic force: a Power Ranger. Oh, blessed art thou among X-Men for you shall know the licking flames of Hell.

satankids2.jpg

It was written in stone, by the hand of Moses: You shall not dress up like Shakira or you’ll burn or some shit.

And in Deutoronomy 9:16-20— don’t collect tootsie rolls dressed up like a dinosaur.

11/1/2007 6:41 PM, Virginia Beach, Virginia
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One bad mother

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

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Associated Press

What a shock it must have been the day the doors of Hell opened up to admit that ol’ shyster Mother Teresa. Turns out she was totally lying about her faith for the last half of her life. Is there anything worse than being an Atheist and then lying about it?! And what’s more — Ratzinger and his gang have this Atheist gypsy on the fast track to sainthood!

You know what Jesus calls selfless, devoted caregivers who seek universal kindness without the reward of Heaven nor the threat of Hell? Communists.

8/26/2007 4:29 PM, Virginia Beach
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Pat's stock tips: Sell short on sin

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

ap07081304257.jpg
Associated Press

Some of my flock have been asking me about the financial markets, what’s going on, and how to invest in a time of such uncertainty.

First of all, what’s going on: This is how God shows his disapproval in our modern era. He used to smite us with locusts or pestilences, but bug-spray and penicillin sort of negated those tactics. The good thing is that we can quantitatively track His holy mood — right now God is roughly 13,400 13,300 13,200 happy. 13,100 13,000–Ok, who’s gay-fornicating ?

What to do:

8/23/2007 9:06 PM, Virginia Beach
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I long for the days of killer bees

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

killerbees_ani.gif
NationalAtlas.gov via Wikipedia

This is a map of the migratory pattern of the africanized honey bee, better known as “The Killer Bee.” Way back in the 1980s, before you kids were born, this was how we scared ourselves. On the evening news, they’d show us maps like this one, and we’d all have a big freak-out.

8/20/2007 4:06 PM, New York
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Vick goes for the long bomb

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but this is pretty serious. New charges have been brought against Michael Vick, alleging ties to Iran and Al-Qaeda. Jonathan Lee Riches, an inmate in a South Carolina federal prison, brings the charges against Vick, also alleging that the quarterback stole two of the inmate’s pit bulls and sold them on Ebay, the proceeds of which were used to “purchase missiles from the Iran government.” How many other NFL quarterbacks are involved in this dog-for-missile trafficking program?! Just the scramblers, the drop-back, pocket passers? Just the black ones? I think we might need to postpone the entire NFL season until we get this figured out.

Below is the court filing (restrictions on typewriters resulted in the filing being handwritten):

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U.S. District Court, Richmond, VA

8/16/2007 7:07 PM, Virginia Beach
1 comment

Extinct dolphins equals immediate doom

By Pat Robertson

Bio & Blog

Let’s crank up the SIBS (Should I Be Scared) Supercomputer and see how world events might be bringing about the End Times. After entering the current conditions of the world into the computer, the machine will yield a numerical/color/pictorial reading of Earth’s impending doom.

Should you be scared? Of course. It’s only a matter of how much.

Login: P-Rob
Password: GodGuy

Enter this week’s disasters/tragic happenings: Bridge collapse; Minnesota. Miners trapped; Utah. Earthquake; Indonesia. School children shot execution-style; Newark. Tornado; NYC.

NYC? North Yancey County, North Carolina?: No, New York City.

Enter presidential front-runners and their religious affiliation: Rudy Giuliani: Catholic. Mitt Romney: Mormon. Hillary Clinton: Marxist.

Anything go extinct this week?: Besides the Christian Right? The Chinese Dolphin.

8/9/2007 3:06 PM, Virginia Beach
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