Associated Press

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times. Stop being homosexual on a bridge. It’s a wrath magnet.

Associated Press

Oh no, I think I’ve made a horrible mistake!

As you know, I like to pray for God to alter the Supreme Court’s makeup and its rulings. So, Sunday night I prayed for John Roberts and his search for justice while he vacationed on the coast of Maine. I prayed:

Dear Lord, help brother John find justice. I hope he sees her at the seashore. Let him see sure and true in his quest.

Photo via soundtrackcollector.com

Everybody knows that exorcisms should never be stopped half way through. Everybody, that is, except for police officers in Phoenix, who interrupted a very routine exorcism last week.

Yo! It’s P-Rob! I’m jiggy with it!

Seems like everybody be feelin’ lolcats these days. Can’t go anywhere on the internet without seeing them kittens bein’ sneaky and sayin’ silly stuff.

The TSA (Transportation Security Administration) is warning people today about possible Al Qaeda “dry runs.” At first I was like, serves them right, dry runs are no picnic, especially if you’re in a cave with a bunch of other people with the dry runs. Then I realized that they meant “dry run” as in “dress rehearsal” or “warm-up round” or “prelude to the unholy slaughter.”

In a number of ways, America no longer stands tall. A recent study reveals that we’ve lost the former prestige of being the world’s tallest nation.

A bunch of academic reasoning has been offered as to why the shift has occurred. Seeing how academia is composed largely of Marxist-Leninists and gays, their conclusions have centered on economic and dietary changes. It’s pretty clear to a reader of the Bible, however, that God has wrought this shrinkage upon our nation to punish us for our two primary problems: wayward gays and gayward ways.

Abortion and welfare programs don’t make God any happier either. And teaching evolution in school. And removing the Ten Commandments from the Constitution. It’s a wonder we’re not a nation of Smurfs.

It’s hard work keeping up with current affairs. Especially if you use world events to augur God’s relative wrath. Thankfully, the CBN SIBS (Should I Be Scared) supercomputer allows me to calculate a numerical/color/pictorial analysis of any potential threat — metaphysical, Arab or otherwise — lurking under your proverbial bed. Or your actual bed.

Please bear with me as I enter the data.

Login: P-Rob
Password: GodGuy

Enter week's natural disasters: Earthquake; Japan. Nuclear reactor leak; Japan. Earthquake; San Francisco.

How's the Euro?: Strong against the dollar.
Impoverished Jihadists running amuck?: No, rich doctor ones.
Anything blow up?: A pipe thing in New York
Is Boy Shakira still on that show?: Yeah, made the top 20.

Looks like folks are surprised that NFL quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for felony animal cruelty for his participation in a dog-fighting ring. Well, sure, if you’re not paying any attention to the Good Book this seems to have sprung up from nowhere. To the faithful, however, the fall of the Falcon’s scrambling quarterback was clearly foretold in the 8th century B.C. by the prophet Isaiah:

Looks like the papacy has to shell out more dough for its priests’ recreational activities. With this record $660 million decision, the total legal fees incurred by the church amounts to $2.1 billion in abuse cases.

Leave it to an L.A. judge and attorneys to exact such a worldly, secular punishment. Let’s check out what Leviticus has to say about the crimes of priests.

From Leviticus 4:3-4

If the anointed priest sins, bringing guilt on the people, he must bring to the LORD a young bull without defect as a sin offering for the sin he has committed. He is to present the bull at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting before the LORD.