Did anybody see? Did anybody see? I was wearing black shoes the other night. High five! I wore black shoes because Ash told me too. She says it makes my honkoid feet look smaller. I think it makes me look tougher.
Before the game, some locker room boy saw my shoes and said, “Hey, Johnny Unitas!” And I said, “Right, Hammy, that’s who I am. Come here and give me a high five.” And I wedgied the little freak up to his tiny neck. Me and the guys all laughed about that for a long time.
Man, Eli, the little doo doo head. He spent all Monday night watching my game and crying on Ash’s shoulder. He gets so jealous when I play on Monday night. Ash says he cried really hard, and a couple of times when he was really wailing he tried to cop a feel through her nightgown. The little dummy even tried to suck her boob. They were sitting on the couch next to Momma and Daddy, and Momma saw the whole thing, too, and told him to go get her some nachos. He went to his room and didn’t come back.
That little kid is a total freak bomb. I don’t even understand how he’s part of the family. I mean, at least he could claim he has a
“spinal disorder” like my big pussy of a brother Cooper. Then he wouldn’t have to play football anymore and everybody could feel sorry for him.