Eli came in my room the other day while I was whacking off to my Gisele Bundchen poster, and he said, “Dick Lips did it again.”

He was talking about Tom Brady and his fairy-faced undefeated season. We both hate Dick Lips. Daddy always said it’s bad form to trash-talk the guy that’s way better and more handsome than you, but the world needs to stop creaming over this ballsack.

• Tom Brady is a homo.
• Tom Brady and his homo coach cheat.
• Tom Brady uses the word “macho.”
• But Tom Brady thinks he’s tough.
• Tom Brady’s going to break my season touchdown record. Wait, what?
• Tom Brady plays Eli’s dumb-dumb Giants the last game of the season. Me and Daddy are already coaching Eli, the little Hershey-terd, on how to not be afraid of Dick Lips. I wish the game didn’t mean anything. Then I could laugh when Eli gets his butthole reamed.