Daddy never laughs like that when I win (AP)

So, Eli’s been hiding from me in his room. He’s afraid I’m going to beat him up for being in the Super Bowl. He’s right. But because he’s hiding, that means I can’t force him to take part in my assassination attempts on Tom Brady. But I do know that the little dingbat reads this blog. Don’t you, Eli?

Dude, listen to me. If Tom Brady survives my assassination attempts, and if you lose the Super Bowl to him, you do realize, don’t you, that all the cream-sucking media donks out there will be like, “Oh, oh! He’s the best quarterback of his generation! Peyton who? Let’s suck Tom’s knob!”

But if you win, Eli, he will not have his stupid undefeated season to fall back on, and I will be the greatest quarterback of this
generation. It porks me in the butthole to say this, but you are my only hope.

I know you don’t care. But maybe you do care? Maybe I can make it worth your while? Here’s what I’m willing to do if you win the Super Bowl over Dick Lips:

1. I will never fart on your face again (Note: Your forehead is not your face. This is not negotiable.) and I will never again make you lick the butt of any living animal.
2. I will let you flip the burgers at family cookouts. (Once only! Not negotiable!)
3. If somebody I know picks on you WHEN YOU ARE AROUND, I will make it clear that I’m not necessarily cool with it. (When you are NOT around, it doesn’t matter, does it, because you are not around.)
4. I will quit bothering you about getting a girlfriend. And if you want to suck Ash’s boob, you can ask her.
5. And finally, I will keep quiet about these secret pictures I have of you whacking off to your Tom Brady poster.

Oh … what? Did I say that on a BLOG??? Come out of your room, Eli. We need to talk.