Dear Media Buttwipes:

Here's an idea: How about you all shut your pie holes? I'm gosh darn sick of you asking me questions about my hurt knee. Just sick of it!

But if you really are interested in my life, I've got some scoops for ya:

- I'm getting ready to take a huge dump in Eli's bathroom. We're talking terd snake so long it's gonna stick out of the bowl! And if you think I'm flushing, you really are dumber than you look.

- When Eli was 7, he took a dump the cat litter box. Momma made him scoop it out. (Now that's a scoop for ya!)

- Ash says I have a big donk. But I think she's lying, because I have seen my donk compared to others in the locker room. Maybe this calls for an investigative piece?

- When Eli gets home, and he sees the terd in his bowl, and he comes in to my room and asks me about it, I'm gonna shoot him with a BB gun.

Got enough to work with now? Then leave me alone!