Hello Peyton Manning fans. Hmm. Well. I've got something kind of funny to say. And I don't mean funny in the funny way. I mean in the non-funny, sort of gay way.

My arch nemesis Tom "Dick Lips" Brady hurt his baby kneecap and is out for the season. This is good news. High fives all around. But here's the funny part. I feel funny inside. Queer bait funny. Sure, he was my starting quarterback for my fantasy football team, and now what the hell am I supposed to do - put in Eli?

But it's more than that. I sort of - I don't know - wonder, hmm, let's see, what is this feeling? I ... uh ... I feel like I'm throwing rocks at that neighborhood kid hiding in the bushes across the street, only to find out he already went inside. I sort of feel like I'm waiting for Eli to get home so I can fart on his head, only to find out he's out of town for the next week. I sort of feel like I'm having morning sex with Ash, but when I ask her if it feels good I realize she has fallen back asleep.

I sort of feel ... empty inside.

Like Superman without that bald dude. I mean, who's gonna be my Dick Lips? You, Eli? You're no Dick Lips. You, Brett? Naw, dude, I like you too much. You, other quarterbacks with names I can't remember? You all suck, and you're ugly, too.

Dick Lips was handsome, and he was good. I hated him like no one else.

Now I am empty. This football season sucks already.