Hello Peyton Manning Fans!

Here's something a little bit embarrassing - for the past few months, I thought Barack Obama was a rookie wide receiver for the Chicago Bears. Turns out he only looks like a rookie wide receiver, and he's running for president against an old dude with a gimp arm!

Seems to me Obama would have the presidency locked up. But me and Eli accidentally watched the debate for five minutes the other night. And those Hammies just don't get it! It's not about the middle class! It's not about oil! And hey, old dude - I ain't your friend!

It's apparent my quarterbacking duties are called for here. Barack, Old Dude: Winning the presidency is not about your silly concerns. It's about dumb, drunk dudes sitting in a sports bar. Every hot-doggin' election year, politicians miss out on these crucial swing voters - hundreds of thousands of sports fans, ready to get drunk, eat chicken wings, cheat on their significant others, and do whatever else you tell them to.

To the presidential candidate who wishes to take my advice, here is my Five-Point Plan to the Presidency:

1) Find some hot girls.
2) Strap 'em in campaign t-shirts featuring your face.

3) Send 'em to sports bars across the nation to "interact" with the patrons. This includes blowing whistles, passing out t-shirts, Jager shots and back-of-the-neck boob rubs ... in return for a promise to vote for you.

4) Everybody do a keg stand!

5) Win the presidency. High five!

How do you think I won my MVPs?