Hello, this is Peyton Manning. I suck goat balls! Hahaha! My little brother is better than me! Hahaha! I want to kiss a baboon’s purple butt! And I like it when Ray Lewis knobs me!

Hahaha! Actually, this isn’t Peyton Manning. Hello, Peyton. This is your little brother, Eli. I have decided to take over your blog while you are taking a dump in your bathroom. You are a loser! Literally!

Holy cat balls, I have a hangover. Momma and Daddy were out of town, so me and Eli had our annual kegger last night for the National Championship. Dude! Me and Fat Boy Diem had the funnel, and we made Eli do it till he puked. (It took three beers. High five!)

Photo via sportsbybrooks.com

Then Joseph “Yes Suh” Addai, who went to LSU, puked because his team won. It was yellow and purple puke. I wonder how he did that?

All I know is, THE SEC DOMINATES! Except for Eli’s old team.

I’d rather eat a pork sandwich out of a dirty ashtray than have another week like this one. I mean, aside from Christmas, which was all right, it was like one long wedgie. Everybody’s talking about Tom “Dick Lips” Brady and how he’s going for an undefeated regular season this Saturday night and how we should cream all over the television if that happens. Oh! And if he breaks my season touchdown record, we should suck his balls, too!

But it’s even worse. Because if Dick Lips and his Panty-Liners do win Saturday’s game, they’ll do it against my little brother. My stupid, suck-ass little brother. My stupid, suck-ass little brother that’s never even won a neighborhood fight, let alone faced an undefeated team on their last game of the regular season.

Photo by waterzix via Flickr.

Eli broke my Wii. Now I have to ask Santa for a new one for Christmas, because they are sold out at the Target and everywhere else, except maybe Afghanistan, where I would like to go and missile some people with the message of pigskin.

I was very angry when Eli broke my Wii, so I made him take a letter to Santa while I dictated. But that goofy kid would start laughing every time I told him to write, “Eli broke my Wii.”

Finally, I started saying, “Santa, my Wii is broken,” and Eli laughed like crazy at that, too.

So I said, “Can I have a new Wii to play with?” and Eli laughed and laughed at that.

I hope that kid gets a Nerf football for Christmas.

High five, everybody! As I gear up for the last few weeks of the season, I want to direct your attention to a web site. It’s called PeytonManning.com. I Googled myself the other day and I came across it. Who knew there was a site out there with such accurate information about me (besides this one)? It’s like they’re obsessed with everything about me. Pretty cool, for a bunch of Hammys. Thank you, PeytonManning.com!

Also, for the record, they stole my line, “It’s Peyback time.” That’s the title of my new rap video that will be coming out as soon as Dork-Face Eli finishes editing it. Here are some of the kick-butt lyrics:

“Peyton Manning plays with footballs
He don’t know nuthin’ about playing with homos
High-fiving people in the crowd
Even Chinese people want to sing it out loud

Associated Press

So, Marvin Harrison has been staying at our family compound ever since he got injured. It’s OK, he pays for his room and board by serving us and doing our chores. Sometimes at night, when he’s done with his chores, we let him watch TV with us.

Marvin can be very, very funny once he gets a little of Daddy’s liquor in him. You know how all black people become the Funny Black Comedian once you get a little liquor in them? That’s what Marvin does. But sometimes he gets a little strange.

Like last night, me and Ash and Momma and Daddy and Marvin were watching Eli act like a crybaby wuss-face against the Redskins.

Marvin said, “Boy, that Eli sure can suck like a Louisiana mosquita.” We all laughed. Daddy was sitting in his recliner and he held his doink, because he was about to pee himself.

I feel really sorry for those baseball players taking all those steroids. Not really. I hate them all. Look at how stupid they are, they don’t even know how to take steroids correctly. They shoot the juice into their butt, and look at their butts — they’re huge! Every one of them! Baseball players have huge butts and they’re skinny everywhere else! What monkey boobs! They need to get more qualified trainers. That’s the lesson here.

Roger Clemens has the biggest butt. I remember me and Eli watching him pitch one time, and Eli said, “His butt looks like it’s on steroids.” And we laughed and laughed because we knew it was.

Eli came in my room the other day while I was whacking off to my Gisele Bundchen poster, and he said, “Dick Lips did it again.”

He was talking about Tom Brady and his fairy-faced undefeated season. We both hate Dick Lips. Daddy always said it’s bad form to trash-talk the guy that’s way better and more handsome than you, but the world needs to stop creaming over this ballsack.

I was sitting on the couch last night watching Harry Potter with Ash. I don’t know which Harry Potter — they’re all honkoid.

After the movie ended, Ash flipped the channel to the Monday Night Football game, and there was Tom Brady, in the fourth quarter, leading his team on another dorkoid comeback. And the camera did a close shot on that lucky fag-brain, and something occurred to me that might have occurred to you, too.

I called my personal stylist and said, “He sure has nice and shiny hair. It always looks shampooed and blow dried, even in the fourth quarter. How come you can’t make my hair look like that?”