When I took the job of being Pope, I was pretty excited. Full medical, full dental, three weeks paid vacation, generous clothing allowance, unlimited use of the Popemobile on weekends. Not a bad gig.

After I said yes, they gave me a bunch of forms to fill out. Just some stuff the guys in legal said you have to sign, they told me. Contact info including cell phone number and email, next of kin for the group life insurance, food allergies, etc.

I don't remember signing the Dignity in the Workplace pledge, but I guess I did. Apparently I agreed to refrain from offensive language, inappropriate touching at the Christmas party, and Priest-Rabbi-Lady Snake Charmer jokes. Didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

Today I'm browsing around in the Vatican Library and I stumble upon "Holy Flagellation! The Crazy World of Pope Hadrian III". It looked interesting, so I sat down on one of the bean bag chairs and started flipping through it. Hadrian III was only Pope for a year and a half, but during that time he whipped a naked widow through the streets and poked out the eyes of a rival. What a wild man! Sort of like Pacman Jones without the football pads.

And now I'm stuck with this stupid pledge, at least while I'm on the clock.

Can't wait for the weekend, when I can cruise through the streets of Rome in the Popemobile, whipping naked widows.