Y'all know that I am a champion for the environment ever since I saw my first episode of Captain Planet, and normally when someone invents something "green," I give them a big high-five for saving Mother Earth. But this weekend, I found out that  some guys in Germany have built environmentally friendly bombs. "Hold on a second!" I said, but not out loud because I was all by myself. "That doesn't sound so good!"

I like that people are trying new ways to reduce carbon consumption (and taking pollution down to zero, as my buddy Captain Planet says), but no matter how environmentally friendly the bombs are, if you are around any kind of bomb when it goes off, you do not think of it as "friendly." You probably think nothing, because you just got blown up. Thus, I had a historic realization: not everything green is good. Don't believe me? Here are some examples:

Money: If you have no money, you may think it's a good thing, because it buys food and designer clothing. But people with a lot of money tend to buy carbon-consuming private jets and non-biodegradable breast implants. I think everyone would be happier with a bartering system, in which you would need 1,500 goats to purchase an airplane. For the record, if I had that many goats, I would donate them all to needy families, except my favorite goat, who I would call Albert.

The Great Gazoo: This little guy was always causing Barney and Fred a great deal of trouble, which I am sure they did not appreciate, as they had plenty of problems of their own, what with having to move their cars with their feet and all. (Actually that would solve the energy crisis, the obesity crisis and the puny calves crisis all in one stroke!)

The Celtics: Go Lakers!

The Green Party: I don't want to be a sore loser, and the past is the past and we all must move on with our lives, as my analyst says, but you know what I'm talking about when I say I would not be sorry if we had to transform Ralph Nader's body into a source of renewable energy.

My doodie: I have been too busy to keep a close watch on my diet, but clearly I have been ingesting too much of one thing or not enough of another, because the other day I looked down into the toilet after my nightly bowel movement and, wow, was that ever not the color I was expecting to see! Despite my Nobel Prize, I am not qualified as a licensed medical professional, but even I can see there is something seriously wrong with me. Perhaps the intense headaches and flashes of bright light I have been experiencing were not purely stress-related. I must go to see a doctor immediately.