No matter what happens in today's primaries, America, I will emerge from them with the undisputed (unless you're a woman who doesn't understand math) majority in the pledged delegate count.

Now I know this whole delegate system is confusing.  For instance: what's a "delegate"?  From this Google Image search result it appears that a delegate is one of four things:

1. A homosexual with a soul-patch and monochromed shirt and tie combination.
2. An overtanned trophy wife with an eating disorder.
3. An autistic Ryan Phillippe.
4. A laptop computer, probably a Dell, DEFINITELY not a Macbook.

So why can't I proclaim victory? Because Hillary is a vindictive bitch who will tear the party apart. So I told my campaign managers that we won't make any overt declarations of victory today. Which we won't. 

But that definitely won't preclude us from making thinly veiled, subtle declarations of victory, for which we held a brainstorming session last night.  RULED OUT: Actually declaring victory, victory parades, victory parades where we declare victory, ticker tape, and Peanuts character parade floats (just Snoopy and Woodstock, Charlie Brown or Lucy should be fine).  RULED IN: Being smug, which we're pretty good at since we've been doing it since February.

I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!