The cotton gin, microchip and wheel were all good inventions, but never has there been a better invention than that of the central banker. Finally, the power to control money was taken away from markets, minerals and men. It was given to a being who’s capable of so much more: the economist.
I believed that myself, until I saw what a mess my predecessor, Alan Greenspan, made of things. People think that Al did what any respectable fed chair would do: analyze markets, meet with other bankers, deliver detailed speeches and empower people to buy ugly houses.
I recently came across the notes of Al’s old secretary (I fired her so quickly when I got into the office that she didn’t even have time to clear out her stuff). Since Al won’t shut up, I’ve decided to release what a typical day in Al’s life was:
8 am: Emails written the night before by an intern are auto-sent to members of congress to make it look like Al gets into the office before 10 am.
10:30 am: Al gets into office.
11 am: Al’s stylist (I didn’t fire her) comes in and waxes his head.
11:30 am: Al meets with publicist, discusses tactics to make the press believe he’s a Messiah.
12 pm: Lunch.
3 pm: Al calls the president (over the red phone) and asks again about the intern exchange program.
3:30 pm: Al has his secretary call the president back and has HER ask “for reference purposes, Mr. President, how many chief executives have won a second term in your office during a bad economy?” (Al usually has his pants off while he listens in on this call.)
4 pm: Start taunting the other fed governors and threatening to stop having their press photos retouched.
4:30 pm: Flip a coin to decide on how to adjust interest rates.
4:45 pm: Go “home” (no one’s actually sure where we went between 4:45 pm to 9 pm).
Now a bunch of commentators (and not even hot ones) want me to bail out the economy just so undeserving people can go on living in their ugly houses, so Stephen Schwarzman can keep throwing big parties and so Greenspan can go onto sainthood.
I’m not buying Al’s book. He can go to hell.