Please, people--I've done all I can. Every morning when you pick up your Wall Street Journal you see "The Fed lowered its key rate by a quarter point." Sort of like "NFL Lineman Shot Outside After-Hours Club".  Same story, different day.

Folks, I can't go any lower. When you think of the great Fed Chairmen of the past such as Alan Greenspan, William McChesney Martin, Eugene "Big Daddy" Lipscomb--no wait, he was an NFL lineman--you're not supposed to think of some late-night cable TV ad. 

I'm the chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank, not a used car salesman!  I want my mother to be proud of me when the other women sitting around the pool start in with "My son the oncologist" or "My son the employee benefits lawyer."  I don't want them to seque into "I saw Bernie on TV last night. What was he selling? Dinette sets?"

So here's the deal. You know you've got a lot of coins lying around the house, or in the change caddy of your car. Roll them up neatly in those little paper tubes and get them back into circulation!  Why am I responsible for maintaining the nation's money supply while you come home every night and throw your pennies in a jar? 

Why am I screaming?  Because you're turning me into Crazy Bernie--that's why!