With the California wildfires now under control, it’s time to reflect on the things we’ve learned. Number one: The illegal Mexicans are lighting these fires as part of their reconquista of the American Southwest. Over a course of many hundreds of years, they plan to gradually burn away all of our forests, crippling both the lumber and national parks industries and bringing the economy to its knees. With less money for border guards, Predator drones and man-eating cacti, the Mexicans will waltz across the border like they’re on the way to the neighborhood cockfight on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

But the other thing we learned is that black people fight fires nearly indistinguishably from white people.

Now, this week I went down to those fires myself, to see its destruction firsthand and to lend some moral support. And I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by how competent the black firefighters were. None of them were screaming, “Yo I need some more mo-fo water on this house,” or spraying each other with the hoses. None of them starting roasting marshmallows or whole suckling pigs on the burning mountainsides. With their masks on, they could have nearly passed for Italians. If my modest, workingman’s home were ever to catch on fire, I would let black firemen put it out.