As a songwriter, I live and breathe metaphor (not literally). But finding the right similes, analogies and metaphors ain't always easy. The most annoying simile I've unleashed upon the world was actually something I saw on a bumper sticker in Atlanta (a.k.a. "Hotlanta" to those in the know): "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

I don't know what I was thinking when I stole that and slapped it on "Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World." Of course fish don't need bicycles! How would they pedal, with their fins? Oh, Bono of 1991, how you vex the Bono of today.

If ever I complete my time machine, I will go back and tell Bono of 1991 that women, unlike aquatic cycling enthusiasts, absolutely need men. WE (dudes) have penises and THEY (babes) have vaginas. To amend my previous error, I'm trying to work in the heckatight simile "A woman needs a man like her vagina needs his penis" into a song on U2's forthcoming album.

In my case, it's a little too easy a fit, and I've tried every angle, believe me. See, my beautiful wife, Ali, is taller than I am. In my eagerness to, ahem, measure up to her standards, I sometimes strap on ... a pair of height-increasing shoes. And every once in a while, someone in the press notices, and reports this information as if it is news.

Bono, real name Paul Hewson, is reportedly only 5ft 6.5in tall and frequently seeks ways to gain a few inches.

It's nice to know that even with all my work busily trying to  get some debt relief for AIDS-plagued Africa, MY FUCKING SHOES STILL GET NOTICED. Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm 5ft. 8.325in ! My wife is a tall babe, and yes, it's nicer to face her eye to eye than look up her nostrils, fine though they may be.

Have I ever been secretive about wearing platforms? No. If I were trying to hide them, do you think I'd be foolhardy enough to wear them to a U2 concert? Hell, I keep hoping someone outside the press will notice and say something nice about how tall I look.

(Photo by Daniel Deme via Flickr.)