I'm the HAppIEST FaThER EvEr!

This is what the mayor of Nice reported that I've been saying over and over again, like some sort of robot machine. Haha!

Wait, no a robot wouldn't laugh. He would make a series of beeps that over time you would recognize to indicate satisfaction. So bleep-be-bop-do-dippie-blop!

I'm the HAppIEST FaThER EvEr!

If there's one thing I know in life, it's that if you say something 129,042 times it becomes true.

Like for instance, after we die, God gives us a hug and cup of warm apple cider. That truth was made evident in December when I got snow in my boots and it soaked all the way down to my socks and it made me understand misfortune for the first time. If that truth was made now, God would probably give you a frozen lemonade or a Jarritos. (THE MEXICANS CAN SURE MAKE A GOOD SODA!)

I'm the HAppIEST FaThER EvEr!

I'm at 61,705. Oh crud. Or is it 67,501? Ah rats, I'm going to have to start over. It's OK. Angie locked me out for 17 days until she has formed a sufficient mother/baby bond. (I THINK SHE MIGHT BE TURNING THEM AGAINST ME)

I'm the HAppIEST FaThER EvEr!

George Clooney is funny. When I get scared about life he always knows what to say. HE TELLS JOKES! Jokes that are actually funny and not just to kiss up to me. I think George Clooney is the best human in America. Maybe even THE WHOLE WORD! I wanted to name one of the babies Georgeclooneyisnumber1 but Angie said baby names aren't passwords.

I'm the HAppIEST FaThER EvEr!

The reason we had the babies in Nice is because how lovely the city sounds in which you are born is the single most important determinant of how good your life will be. But who knows, in French Nice might not mean nice -- it could mean butterscotch, or blood transplant, or splinter in your finger ... or butt (IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!).

The runner up city was Pittsburgh. On the one hand it's named after me. But on the other hand it's also named after arm pits.

I'm the HAppIEST FaThER EvEr!

It's time to power down now...

(Photo credit: Associated Press)