You guys, we need to talk about cougars before it’s too late.

A few days ago, there was a cougar on the prowl in the streets of Chicago! Luckily, the police were there to shoot him before he could murder everybody, but why did we even let him in? I think Chicago’s probably mostly farmland anyway, but what if he had decided he wanted to visit Hollywood instead? And what about all of his family and friends that are still out there? These are the questions we need to be asking, y’all.

Here’s the thing: cougars are like terrorists because they hate our freedom. Think about it, most cougars probably don’t get to drive fast cars or wear nice clothes like we do, so they get jealous and decide to attack. That’s why we need to stop them before they take over and make us their slaves.

If any of y’all are experts on killing cougars n’ stuff, please respond with ideas of how we can stop these murderous killing machines.