Hey gang. You may have noticed that I recently joined The Facebook. Maybe we are friends? Travolta convinced me to join, so I made him my “Top Friend.” However, I am only number four on his “Top Friends” list, behind Tom Cruise, L. Ron Hubbard, and a leg of lamb he has recently become fond of.
Newspapers tell me that social networks like The Facebook are revolutionizing the way we communicate with one another. I tend to agree. Never before have we had so many different ways to let tangential acquaintances know that we are interested in having sex with them.
For instance, if I post something like “Where have you been all my life?” or “Happy birthday!” on your Facebook Wall, that means that I would likely be interested in penetrating you in any number of different ways. And I can think of a lot of ways, because I’m Christopher Walken.
If I write you a private Facebook Message, that means the same thing as the Wall post, except that I don’t want anyone else to know about my intentions. This is usually because you are funny-looking or are some kind of monster or something.
The Facebook also lets me send you little digital gifts like an image of a teddy bear or something. If I send you a little teddy bear, that means that I am interested in not only penetrating you, but also extending you the courtesy of empty promises regarding brunch. Empty promises regarding brunch are the highest compliment that I can pay to a female.
Finally, Facebook offers me the ability to “Poke” you. I don’t think the Facebook Poke has any sexual connotations. In fact, if Freud was a young technophile today, I think he might say “Sometimes a Poke is just a Poke.” But then again, if Freud was a young technophile today, I am convinced that he would probably spend most of his time hunched over the computer in his dad’s home office, Poking the fuck out of every girl he went to high school with.
Young technophile Freud is an asshole.
(Befriend Walken here)