Here is a list of people in the world who make me want to brain myself with a shovel:
10. People with “Support Our Troops” ribbons on their cars. I have a “Support Our Ribbon Industry” ribbon on my bumper.
9. Anyone who refers to an apartment or an event venue as “a great space.” This is me in “a great space.” There are no yuppies there.
8. Anyone who carries around a Nalgene water bottle. If you refer to said bottle as “my Nalgene,” you deserve a list unto yourself.
7. Black babies with afros. Oh wait, for a second I thought this was my list of “Top 10 Best People in the World.” I love those little cuddlemonsters. I mostly just like to watch them play in the sandbox until I have no tears left.
6. That asshole who sits at a bank of computers all day writing “1st!” at the top of every comments log. Knock it off, douche.
5. Tan trust-fund daughters whose mastery of the English language is apparently limited to “I know, right?” and “Yeah you are!”. No you aren’t, bitch.
4. Sal Goldfarb. You know who the fuck you are, and you won’t make it through the year with both of your kidneys.
3. Tyra Banks. Just awful. Who knew?
2. That guy who makes a funny comment to me in the morning, enjoys my favorable response, and subsequently repeats the comment to other people who happen to sidle by, without giving me so much as a fucking wink or a “So I was telling Chris earlier…”. I would like nothing more than to tell a judge that I stabbed someone in the eye for rejoking.
1. This spot is forever reserved for the guy that makes a joke regarding his wish to be a gynecologist so that he may look at vaginas all day. God may one day let this guy look at a vagina, but if so, then He is an asshole.
This list is by no means exhaustive. Please feel free to add your own. I’ll go get my shovel…