Hey gang.  Did anyone catch the story about the Maasai tribesmen who ran in the London marathon over the weekend?  A British charity looked kindly on these proud warriors and aimed to give the a warm welcome to the UK by furnishing them with detailed guide to city life in London.  They called this guide "Visiting England: A Cultural Briefing for the Warriors," and it includes gems like this one: "Even though some [Londoners] may look like they have a frown on their face, they are very friendly people. Many of them just work in offices – jobs they don’t enjoy – and so they do not smile as much as they should.”

This story really touched me, and not in my standard "Ha ha, black people are so funny" way.  I wanted to reach out to these brave warriors.  So, in anticipation of the upcoming New York City marathon in November, I began work on the Maasai's guide to my hometown.  For context, I just skimmed through the Wikipedia article on the Maasai and highlighted a few salient similarities and differences between our cultures.  I hope you enjoy:

On Maasai society:

“Maasai's society is strongly patriarchical in nature with elder men, sometimes joined by retired elders, deciding most major matters for each Maasai group.”

New York society, on the other hand, is strongly matriarchal. Virtually all policy decisions are made by a tightly knit group of elder women from a region called Long Island. They are called the bubbolas. These despots have managed to survive many years despite being high-functioning retards and regularly injecting themselves with botulism toxin. This longevity somehow confers upon them a status of “charming” or “eccentric.” All bubbolas will have this said about them almost daily: "She is such a character!"

On Maasai rites:

"One rite of passage from boyhood to the status of junior warrior is a painful circumcision ceremony, which is performed without anaesthetic....The boy must endure the operation in silence. Expressions of pain bring dishonor, albeit temporarily. The healing process will take 3-4 months, and boys must remain in black cloths for a period of 4-8 months."

98% of all New Yorkers are Jewish, so they get circumcised at birth. So, the traditional rite of passage for a young New Yorker is to ride the subway alone to Union Square and then go lift up the street performer "Tiny Michael Jackson" onto your shoulders. He will vigorously kick you in the chest and pummel your head. The healing process is about a week, and then you must remain in black clothing for a period of 30-40 years or until you move to a city with a sun.

On Maasai commerce:

"They are also much more involved in cattle trading than they used to be, developing and improving basic stock through trades and bartering rather than stealing as in the past."

This is precisely like Wall Street! Except not as much bovine trading anymore. Mostly bears. And they haven't improved on their stealing habits.

On Maasai homes:

"The structural framework is formed of timber poles fixed directly into the ground and interwoven with a lattice of smaller branches, which is then plastered with a mix of mud, sticks, grass, cow dung and urine, and ash. The enkaji is small, measuring about 3m x 5m and standing only 1.5m high. Within this space the family cooks, eats, sleeps, socializes and stores food, fuel and other household possessions. Small livestock are also often accommodated within the enkaji."

This is exactly the same as a Manhattan apartment. Except, in New York, this framework is erected by Wall2Wall Temporary Walls Inc.

 On Maasai religion:

“The Masaai are monotheistic, and their God is named Engai...a single deity with a dual nature: Engai Narok (Black God) is benevolent, and Engai Nanyokie (Red God) is vengeful. ...The 'Mountain of God', Ol Doinyo Lengai, is located in northernmost Tanzania.”

For a couple years, New York State has boasted a similarly duplicitous deity. You would refer to him as Engai Spitzer. However, recently Engai Spitzer was cast down from New York State’s northerly “Mountain of God” (Albany) by the arch-daemon of the tri-state area: the Jersey girl. Today, incantations to Engai Spitzer are comprised primarily of clichéd jokes (for a more nuanced understanding of of the American concept of cliché, just reread this paragraph several times).

“The central human figure in the Maasai religious system is the laibon who may be involved in: shamanistic healing, divination and phophecy, insuring success in war or adequate rainfall.”

The central human figure in the Manhattan religious system is the yogi, who may be involved in: checking Craigslist for acting gigs, eating crackers, and stretching in front of other people who will inexplicably pay him for it. But not too much, or he might lose his killer subsidized housing status.

“Whatever power an individual laibon had was a function of personality rather than position.”

Contrastingly, whatever power an individual yogi has is a function of his positions (the bridge, the plank, the downward facing dog) rather than his personality (void).

On Maasai music:

"The olaranyani is usually the singer who can best sing that song...The olaranyani begins by singing a line or title (namba) of a song....the olaranyani will sing a verse over the group's rhythmic throat singing. Each song has its specific namba structure based on call-and-response...Lyrics follow a typical theme and are often repeated verbatim over time."

We used to have an olaranyani, but Tupac had him shot. Asshole. Now we just have a camel-face named Jay-Z and a fat guy named Joe. We call him Fat Joe. Clever.

On Maasai marriage:
 

"The Maasai are polygamous by necessity: a long standing and practical adaptation to high infant and warrior mortality rates. Polyandry is also practiced. A woman marries not just her husband, but the entire age group. " 

New Yorkers are also polygamous by necessity: the city boast a surplus of almost 200,000 more single women than single men. This similarly results in single New York women making themselves available to entire age groups, although here it is called "joining Match.com."

Ok, that is all for now.  I hope to flesh this guide out further as the marathon approaches.  Feel free to add your own New York advice, we all need to do our part to ensure that these dark, dark men have a delightful time in our fine city.

 [Photo credits: Flickr users thomaschamberlin, avitable, tud5000, pauljfast, beaniemom, archival, azipaybarah, comandante agi, center*of*the*universe, bindifry, krewjew, ryandombal, shuttermarie,grantrjones]