Opus Dei is at it again! The plotting of the fanatical Catholic organization reaches all the way to Wheaton, Illinois, where a young boy, corrupted by the nefarious ways of the fundamentalist sect, ejaculated into the salad dressing at his local high school.

The crime unfolded like this: Marco Castro, 17, snuck into his cafeteria, pilfering the popular buttermilk-based ranch dressing. He proceeded to a clandestine bathroom terminal, blending his own milky elixir with Wishbone’s secret formula. Once his work was complete, he returned the new concoction to its original location. Stealthy. Cunning. Dare I say — pious?

As you will remember from my nonfiction book The Da Vinci Code (13th best-selling book of all time), I explained how Opus Dei was a group whose foot soldiers lead an ascetic life. It follows that Marco must have self-stimulated by unconventional methods. All I am going to say is that the process involved an ice pick, a bicycle pump, a liberal amount of fish oil and an eight-sided dice. He’s only 17.

I will not elaborate further.

The ejaculate is just a small part of the twisted tale to keep Jesus’ burial place a secret, but, since that much is obvious, I won’t bore you with details.

How the Opus Dei came (no pun intended) to infiltrate sleepy rural towns across America is an alarming trend that deserves to be put in historical context. Opus Dei’s widespread presence was revealed through the symbolic act. It is well known among ecclesiastic scholars that ejaculating into salad dressing dates back to the Renaissance. The practice was first adopted by the Semensters, a secret sect of Opus Dei, who believed the true way to worship Christ was to spill their seed into that which made salad taste good.

Prosecuted for years, the Semensters were eventually driven to the New World, where they started splinter sects among The Boy Scouts of America. Yes, it is in the Boy Scouts, with its legion of young do-gooders, where the Semensters remain today. This most recent case provides disturbing evidence that the group is still very real, perhaps lurking in a cafeteria near you.