Dear Eliot Spitzer,

I am writing to offer my condolences for your current troubles and to offer what help I can. Like you I was once caught in an illicit ring — a vicious circle of guilt and self-pollution that lasted ten years and cost me over $15,000 in lube and dry-cleaning.

I suffered the curse of Onan and I could find no way out. I tried psychoanalysis, but after three years of treatment I was still suffering from an agonizing Carmen Electra Complex and gave up in despair.

Then, when I thought I would never find my way out of the “jerk-circle” as I call it, I discovered TM. TM is transcendental meditation, not to be confused with Trade Mark or TMJ, which is a painful condition often experienced by those who suffer the pangs of unrequited auto-eroticism.

TM saved me. My incidents of self-pollution have dropped to fewer than three per year, and I no longer burn constantly with the urge for secret secretions. I am such an enthusiastic devotee of TM that I have founded an international organization to promote it in schools (where, let’s face it, it is badly needed).

I believe that TM can help you too. I would be glad to send you some promotional materials if you could
let me know your address. My agent says we should follow the Scientology model and try to increase our celebrity membership. We can’t offer the kind of perks that Scientology can, but anyway, the Maharishi
invented the so-called Scientology model — Hubbard just cribbed it. Maybe I’ll give Sir Paul a call.