I shudder to think what kind of drug-fueled nose picking has led to the collective hallucination that somehow Joe Biden is the next Dick Cheney. I can only assume that the comparison has something to do with the fact that Joe and myself both get more ass than a toilet seat, but the similarities end there. I mean come on; Joe’s baby kill count is still at zero!

Biden is not the next Dick Cheney, but I’ll tell who is: Dick Cheney v2.

Isn’t he striking? Of all the clones I’ve had made of myself, he is the crown Dick.

He was a gift from a real hell-raiser OSS station chief; when I discovered him cloning the shit out of some Italian resistance soldiers in Anzio back in 1944, I asked him to make one of myself in exchange for my pledge to keep his secret. Of course this was before we understood that the clones had to be reborn as babies, so rather than building an army, he ended up being the custodian of a fucking WWII nursery.

I attempted to pacify my own clone-baby by strapping him to a hand grenade and dropping him into the Adriatic Sea, but when he somehow showed up at my door years later and attempted to murder me, I knew I had found my successor.