We landed on Mars, and by doing so, conquered the earth. This seems like a paradox, right? But it's not. When John F. Kennedy announced that America would put a man on the moon, people gasped. My grandmother vomited. People were disbelieving and shocked. But he did it, personally: as I understand it, after he was shot, he came back as a "NASA ghost" and helped Neil Armstrong and his brother Lance step on the moon in 1969.

So that was the moon. At the time, it was a big deal. Now, it's just another cookie-shaped thing in the sky that America has conquered. So what's the next frontier? Mars, of course. And I am the president who put a man on Mars! They call it an unmanned Mars mission, but that's just to keep the truth from the Russkies.

We put a man on the Red Planet! I'm telling you! He's up there now, getting the news that it was a one-way ticket. In about fifteen minutes I'm going to pick up the special Mars Phone in my office and listen to his blubbering. I think I'm going to recommend that he find Marvin the Martian, the guy from the Looney Tunes cartoons. Marvin's a genius. Maybe he can find some way of getting our brave, doomed Martianaut back from space.