This writer did an almost sufficient job at panning the Top Chef cookbook, called, fucking creatively, "Top Chef The Cookbook." How-fucking-ever, I would have preferred more anger. Particularly at the fucking fact that Anthony Bourdain got his own fucking chapter!

Listen to me Bourdain. You can no longer call yourself a chef. Not when you run around writing bad novels and appearing as a guest judge on shitty reality shows. What the fuck did you just say!? I HOST my own shitty reality shows, there's a big fucking difference.

Now back to this shitty, shitty, ever-so-shitty book. This book is to cooking what Bernanke is to your American economy. Do I need to know that some no-name loser contestant loves to use a certain kind of spatula? Does anyone care what Padma Lakshmi has to say about anything -- especially cookery?

You might think I'm still bitter about the fact that Tommy Colicchio was named one of People Magazine's 'Sexiest Men Alive.' But I'm not bitter at all. I totally fucking forgot about that stupid joke of a list. I was actually happy for the fucker. Thought People was trying to be more inclusive of fat people.

The LA Times reviewer tested some of the recipes from this rag of a book, and deemed many of them for shit -- although she didn't use that exact phrasing. I, on the other hand, didn't need to do anything but see an image of the book on Amazon to pen this thoughtful review.

You're fucking welcome.