Are you really that shocked by plant-gate? These scripted moments are delicately engineered to exhibit my warmer, less-robotic side. Look, I’m very bad off the cuff. If I don’t have a script, I usually resort to insulting audience members like a self-conscious comedian. Other times I’ll just growl.

But I want to come clean here and profess to all the other staged elements in this campaign:

• Millard Ogilivy’s question at the AARP convention. Just like with Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff’s plant, I wanted to extend a broad compliment across generational lines. Check out this nugget: “As I travel around Iowa, I find it’s usually old people who ask about social security … and dust bowls.
• The 1919 World Series.
• Bill Richardson. We’re completely funding the former Ambassador to the United Nation’s candidacy. Think of this tactic like a stock car team. Richardson is drafting low off my right rear to block a fringe candidate from sling-shotting. In return I promised him the Vice Presidency. But it has since been called to my attention that Richardson is Mexican not tan, and I will instead assign him the very important role of Special U.S. Conquistador to Hispania.
• My marriage. Bill was never a politician, just a stag actor. And you elected him and his shaved testicles into office. That thing with him in the Oval Office was a really a set shoot for the a Jim Jarmusch homage entitled Orifices and Cigarettes.