Did you hear the big proclamation I made today in Kentucky? I declared:

"This is nowhere near over."

Of course I wasn't talking directly about the campaign, but rather my far-fetched mathematical justifications for staying in the race. First I included the disqualified states of Michigan an Florida in my delegate count. Then I argued that I had the highest popular vote total in the history of primaries. And after that, I reminded everyone that Barack is black.

Then today I brought back a retro term: electoral votes. Remember those? They're sort of like delegates, but they have this funny little tendency to never elect a city-born, smooth-talking elitist.

I made a calculation that I'm leading the hypothetical future electoral vote count if you discount McCain and also if you discount states such as Alaska, Nebraska, Utah, Idaho and Kansas that voted for Barack but haven't gone Democratic in the modern political era.

You may be asking yourself what kind of wacky mathematicians do I have working for my campaign. If you guessed Stephen Hawking, you're right. Well Hawking in conjunction with a team of Kindergärtners. The Kindergärtners come up with the theories and Stephen fits them into the proper mathematical framework. Here are some other proofs they are working on:

-- Theory of exponentials: Being elected president is like becoming Daddy of the whole country!

-- Substitution theory: If it takes a majority of delegates to win the nomination, and if Barack accumulates the majority of delegates, then Barack is a stinky dooty.

-- Theory of relativity: In a vacuum, with Barack increasing momentum and me at a point of stasis, I still look like Grammy.