A curious thing happened to me in the supermarket aisle yesterday. I had a panic attack and not because of all the germs around me. It was directed at something. People Magazine!

I noticed the Sexiest Man Alive issue just hit the stands. (As if sexy dead men could really compete!) I picked up the magazine casually, confident I’d be in the 5-10 range. I’m not cocky, I know Mother Aging has knocked me out of the top slot category. But guess what? I wasn’t on there. At all! So I offer a critique of the 15 men appearing on the list ahead of me:

1. Hugh Jackman – Goofy to a fault.
2. Daniel Craig – Eyes eerily blue
3. Jon Hamm  - Dishy. (Not sure what that means actually)
4. Zac Efron – Lacks emotional complexity.
5. Robert Buckley – Even more dishy.

6. Blair Underwood – Name sounds like an 18th century witch
7. Ed Westwick -- - Dishy. (Not sure what that means actually)
8. Michael Phelps  -- Too aquatic.
9. Blake Shelton – Falsetto twang leaves much to be desired
10. Lang Lang -- I’m not racist, but really?
11. Mark Paul Gosselaar – More like Mark Paul Gossamer.  Surfacey personality.
12. Javier Bardem – too perfect?
13. Robert Pattinson – isn’t it still considered child porn to want a Harry Potter character?
14. Joshau Jackson – Jeez People, this isn’t 1994.
15. David Beckham – gay.